What If Prince Charming Never Showed Up?

Snow White would still be sleeping in a glass box and have claustrophobic issues...

Well, she is still asleep.

Cinderella would still be cleaning fireplaces and waiting on some mean bitches...

Cleaning does get old.

Ariel would still be a mermaid and surely have an allergic reaction to shellfish...

An allergic reaction to shellfish???

So what happens to the little girls in the real world who believed in Prince Charming ?


These girls try "ONLINE DATING"











(I have asked people to share their stories with me, and some of those who started to realized how embarrassing their experiences were, and then  those who did share had such a smushy beautiful love story that I think I am too jealous to share them. Not really. I thought I might try to share them around VD, Valentines Day.)

The Ultimate Lounge Lizard

Some people think online dating is the lowest form of meeting someone, but tell me which is better, meeting someone in a bar and giving them your phone number the first time or meeting someone over a computer, facebook stalking them, googling them, emailing them back and forth and then eventually meeting them in a public place.


That's what I thought!



Here are just a few of the lessons I have learned from my online dating experience and those who have shared a few of their stories as well.

1.  When a man tells you that you have sexy legs, and you clearly see you have cellulite on your legs in these particular pictures, you know you are dealing with someone who is clearly at the beginning stages of cataracts.

2. When a man goes by the name, 'Big Tex', and ask if he can be "the buck that you want to ride", it is okay to reply, "EWWWWWW!"

The only Big Tex I care to know and he even burned out.

3. When a man states he doesn't want to date any 'Mommies' you can bet he is a Momma's Boy!

4.  When a man says he is 6', then you can bet he is 5'9...ladies we lie about our weight so we really can not fault them for this one.

5.  When a man sends you a message in french, I believe it was a Patti LaBelle song he was quoting, gets mad at you, yes mad,  because you will not give him your phone number after one email, then wish him well and burn a candle for the woman who falls for him.

6.  When a man sends you pictures of his shoulders, back, abs, you can place a bet that the pictures keep coming and the anatomy he shares keeps getting lower and lower.

7. When your ex gets on the same site as you, finds you, reads your profile and checks out your pictures, then emails you to tell you your pictures suck and you can do better, then it's OK to remind him that he was in the other half of the photo and that's why you look miserable or you can go with my favorite,  tell him to go 'Fork himself.'


In the end, do not fret girls and do not give up, completely. If you keep your sense of humor, appreciate that each experience is a life lesson, and know that some day you will come across the one who understands you, the one who loves you at any weight or hair color, and the one who will tend to you when you are sick, then you have obviously visited an animal shelter and adopted well!

*If you want to see online dating from a reality television point of view, then you must check out the MTV series, 'Catfish'.

Another Brick In The Wall

Hello Blog,

I have been so busy I have not had a chance to catch up and chat with you in so long.
So let's catch up...

 

AND THEN...

AND THEN...

...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT...

Helllllllooooooo 2013 !

Just Another Day...

It's been a long time since I blogged.
I have had my hands full with work, a semi-relationship, among other lifestyle events and distractions.
I am still in the process of taking classes to be a foster to adopt mother.
In the meantime it seems everyone is getting pregnant again around me...that always happens to women on this journey however.


I smile for them because I am happy for them, but recently the dam broke, and I couldn't hold it back anymore.
All in one day...
Another relationship failed.
Another bill wasn't paid.
Another disappointment occurred at work.
Another drama-filled day was created by another bored housewife.
Another 5lbs was added on to my ass.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
(They would lose the gold medal to me in The Emotional Olympics.)

They say love is kind and love is patient.
(They have never met some of my family.)

They say it's always darkest before the dawn.
(They have never been in my head.)

They say if you put your problems in a pile with everyone else's you would pick yours back up and go home.
(They are correct!)

I am thankful for it all... even another day.
Happy Thanksgiving!

It's A Dirty Job, But Somebody's Got To Do It

A few weeks ago I took 3 days of parenting classes for foster and foster to adopt parents. It felt similar to a 'Scared Straight' session with a few Hallmark moments here and there, and at the end of the week we were asked, "Well, are you still up for this or is it too much for you?"

I stopped and thought long and hard about...

all the clutter from toys,
all the noises in my home,
how exhausted I will be from long nights awake, hugging and comforting,
how my clothes will be wrinkled and possibly covered in spit up,
and then I imagined someone calling me "Mommy".

The answer is so obvious.

4

There are people who come into our lives, and they are meant to be in it until our golden years.
These people are your best girlfriends.
I was blessed to meet mine when I was 10.
My single mother met hers when I was also 10.

The 4 of us have shared moments that have been funny, triumphant, and forever life changing.

1.  We have shared blue hair at The Flock of Seagulls concert.
2.  We have shared the birth of a first child and the adoption of a first.
3.  We have shared the success of careers that took one to Europe and another career that raised and supported more than one family.
4.  We have shared the heartache of losing our hearts to men and our loved ones to cancer.
5.  We have shared vacations on islands and mountains where getting lost should always be on the agenda for us 4.

And now we have started a new tradition of sharing one weekend a year with just the 4 of us.

A few weeks ago, we spent the day and night downtown meeting Betty White in an interview, drinking lots of wine and eating delicious Italian food.
We wore comfy pajamas, watched chick flicks, laughed until we cried, and ate chocolate cake standing up.

I look forward to next year's '4 Get Together'. Who knows what stories, confessions, or embarrassing moments we will share then.

Thank you ladies for being there through the blue hair, success and failures thus far, and for reminding me no matter how lost we get we can always find each other at 201 Franklin...or was it Main Street?

God, A Woman, and The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf

                                                                              PROLOGUE:
This is the story about a woman who had a dream. A dream to be a mother. Now this woman I am telling you about is no virginal Mary, but there was once The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf  who had been a huffing, and a puffing, and trying to knock down her door. But God, well God had a back door for this woman to escape...

You see there was once a woman who fell for a wolf, fell hard, like HARD, but she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and kept going.

In fact, she decided, "Screw this dating gig, I'm going to get pregnant on my own."

 Well, a year and a half later, that woman is not pregnant yet, but she never forgot about her heart's desire to be a mother. She FINALLY started to forget about The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf too.

(Random tidbit...Did you know Noe stands for Noah. Noah was the name this woman wanted to name her first son...anyway...)

This woman, who is nothing like Mary, decided to check out the foster to adopt program. It seemed like the right calling for her. She began the paperwork. She checked into all sorts of resources. And one day, the trumpets sounded and she finally received an announcement that read...

"We received your paperwork.
You will be hearing from the stork."
 You are on your way.
Before long you will have a bay-bay."

(Ok. It didn't say these exact words, but you get the gist.)

Oh how this woman was elated and excited. She was about to go announce to all the good news, when suddenly there was a ding on her computer. It was The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf!
                                 
                                                                   (insert dramatic music)

After 15 months, The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf sent this woman a message with great remorse, great passion in his tone, and a huge amount of bullshi*.

"Oh no!" Thought the woman, who was nothing like Mary, "Why now? What does he want?"

He distracted her.
He kept her mind elsewhere.
He.
He.
Well, he was full of crap.

One day the woman decided not to answer a phone call from The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf, and instead she sat still and watched a crazy, sweating, yelling preacher on television, and he was telling people in Dallas, Texas...

"God told Mary, I can make this happen without a man!!! Ladies, if he don't get you then forget him! When they leave, then clap as they go! The devil will look good and come to you when you least expect it! Stand strong and don't be swayed and when all else fails ask God for a direct sign! Stand up, and set it off!"



Well this woman caught herself sitting on the couch with her jaw dropped. She looked around as if God himself had just spoken to her, the woman who is nothing like Mary. She spent the rest of the day walking on her tip toes as if she walked too hard, the earth would crack and swallow her up. She waited for the sign from God. It came. Who knew God knew how to text message?

The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf hasn't given up, but neither has the woman.
Her adoption classes begin in a few weeks, and no one is stopping her from getting her heart's desire...to be a mother.
After all, God once told a woman, "I can make it happen without man."

Twas The Night Before School

Twas the night before school when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a facebook account.
The bathing suits were hung in the shower with care; In hopes that summer would soon be here.

The teachers were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of classes well managed danced in their heads.
When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw to the side the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a Harley with Jax from "Sons of Anarchy".

I forgot what I was saying...

He was dressed in leather and denim, from his head to his brass knuckles.

He was sun tanned and tight, a right jolly young biker. I felt like I wanted to be a hitch hiker.
And I giggled when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a smirk on his face, soon let me know I belonged no other place.

He sprang in my dreams, gave me a smile to remember, and then away he flew like he had to be out by September.

As he revved his Harley and disappeared slowly out of sight, he yelled, "Happy School Year To All and To All Have A Hell Of A Night."