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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Lessons Learned At A Destination Wedding

Some of these life lessons are a bit obvious and then there are those people who just don't get it.

1. Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

2. Pack a spare pair of sunglasses.

3. Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

4. When visiting tropical islands pack sunscreen.

5. Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

6. If you smoke, then bring your own cigarettes...so you won't be caught walking around the reception taking other people's cigarettes.

7. Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

8. When insulted by a Canadian go ahead and curse him out and tell him off, all he will do is stand there in shock.

If I say it's me, then it's me!


9.  Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

10. Don't ask the bride to do anything, ANYTHING on her wedding day except get married.

11. Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

12. Do take pictures of others enjoying exscursions and then tag yourself in those photos. (Really? Who is going to challenge if that blur is you parasailing?)

13.  If your mother paid for your trip, then do not brag about the extra money you paid to sit in first class for two hours from Houston to Miami.

14. Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

15. Do pay attention to basic spanish spoken around you, because it does pay off.

16. Oh hey, Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.

17. Last but not least, if you do wear white to someone else's wedding, don't take pictures at the alter and post them on a social media pretending it is your wedding. Seriously? Have some class.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Just The 3 Of Us


                                                      Dedicated To My Mother and Grandmother


My strength. 



Happy Mothers Day...

...To the woman who was determined enough to walk away from misery into a life of raising me alone and still having her own career.

...To the woman strong enough to tell me "No".

1 of us is always making a goofy face.
...To the woman just soft enough to spoil me.        



...To the woman tired enough to sleep through my high school parties (Thank ya Lord!).


...To the woman smart enough to teach me to see and treat all people the same. 


...To the woman who is twisted (just enough) to allow me to call her Mommie Dearest ever since the Joan Crawford "No More Wire Hangers!" era arrived. 


See, what I tell ya?

If I have ever loved you, forgiven you, or taught you how to treat others better, then you should tell Mommie Dearest, 
Happy Mother's Day too. 






Where I come from.
Mom,

I have a soft spot for...

... old people.         

 ... babies. 

 ... gray hair

... red lipstick

... shoe shopping

... cooking with fat

... fishing

... dancing
Mom was a cancer survivor for several years & was able to make it to my Teacher of the Year dinner. 

... an occasional cigarette

... speaking my mind

... not being worried about what others think about me

... saying my favorite curse word, sh**

and it's all because of you! 

I miss you, Mom! 

Happy Mother's Day!



My last birthday "celebration" with Mom...PS - She would call me by my first & middle name for posting this picture. 








Sunday, May 5, 2013

Ode To An English Rose

Some people say I have commitment issues, because I'm not married yet.
I say they are wrong!

I've been in a "committed relationship" that lasted almost 17 years.
We were together in thick times and in thin times.
They took their bad day out on me and I took mine out on them.
We laughed together, well kind of. We cried together, definitely.

My most recent "committed relationship" has lasted almost 8 years.
It's not the same kind of love and bond as my 17 year "committed relationship" but it's just as good and it has it's own personality.

It takes a lot to be in these "committed relationships."
They are time consuming.
They are tedious.
They also seem to be a lot of me giving and a lot of them taking.

Wellllll...
In hindsight, they gave a lot.


They gave you smelly farts in the middle of laying next to you.

They gave you Eskimo kisses when you weren't looking.

They pawed and put their hands on you when they needed to make contact.

They gave you Catfish lips when you sat or laid next to them.

They gave you jockey run when you would jump out from behind the door to scare them.

They gave you Rodeo Dog when you played 'Christmas Stick' on them.

They gave you long droolies when your dinner smelled much better than theirs.

They gave you excellent cussings when you deserved them and when you did not.

They gave you chattering teeth to tell you, "It's cold in here Damn it!"

They gave you sad puppy dog eyes with their head on your knee when they felt you might not be understanding their immediate needs.

They gave you an alarming bark when evil garage doors opened or dumpster trucks were threatening you with danger.

They gave you bunny chases during their sleep to let you know all was taken care of in dream land.

They let you run around the couch chasing them.

They let you walk under their legs if that was the shortest route.

They let you bite their jowls when they wrestled with you.

They let you get a good face whoopin with their long pointed tale.

They let you know that any bird a minute away was not going to harm you or anyone you loved.

They let you love them...
...and they let you know you were loved back.


For my Cali-Mari...You were the first English I loved. 







Thursday, May 2, 2013

I Wonder Wonder Who Wrote The Book of Love.





I wonder why most Science teachers are so religious. Isn’t that a conflict of beliefs?


I wonder why it’s safe for me to get x-rays but the x-ray technicians run and hide behind the walls before pushing the button.


I wonder why stuffed animals are the only toy ‘acceptable’ to love for all ages.


I wonder why so many men have smaller thighs and calves than women…Did the  same creator who made male birds prettier plan this too?
 
Ok. Ok. They're not small but they sure are pretty. 


I wonder why so many of my “Christian” friends stopped hanging out with me when I tried artificial insemination. Are their ovaries too good to hang out with my slow ones?


I wonder how homeless people always have access to cardboard and black permanent markers.


I wonder what it’s like to be the man of the house, to have the weight of the world on your shoulder, to be the official spider killer, official lawn mower, and tire and oil changer.

I wonder what it’s like to be a real woman, to have a human growing inside of you and then come out of you, look at you, and have the nerve to scream.



I wonder if woodpeckers get headaches.  


I wonder what it’s like to wear a bikini & feel the sun on your stomach and lower back.


I wonder what it’s like to be athletic, to perform, run, and stretch your body to the max in front of the others cheering for you & your opponent at the same time. 
               Nike has a line of these type of ads for all the body parts that women love to hate about themselves. 






















I wonder what it's like for a man to look at you and say he wants to spend the rest of his life...the... rest... of...his... life... with... you.


I wonder what it's like to look at a man and think...'I want to spend the...rest...of...my...life with him.'



I wonder what completely bald men put as hair color on their driver's license.



Hello Lover!
I wonder what it's like to eat chocolate chip cookie dough and not feel guilty. 




I wonder what my dog thinks when I smell worse than her. "Thatta gurl!"or "You're gross!"