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Friday, January 4, 2013

What If Prince Charming Never Showed Up?

Snow White would still be sleeping in a glass box and have claustrophobic issues...

Well, she is still asleep.



Cinderella would still be cleaning fireplaces and waiting on some mean bitches...

Cleaning does get old.

Ariel would still be a mermaid and surely have an allergic reaction to shellfish...


An allergic reaction to shellfish???


So what happens to the little girls in the real world who believed in Prince Charming ?


These girls try "ONLINE DATING"











(I have asked people to share their stories with me, and some of those who started to realized how embarrassing their experiences were, and then  those who did share had such a smushy beautiful love story that I think I am too jealous to share them. Not really. I thought I might try to share them around VD, Valentines Day.)


The Ultimate Lounge Lizard

Some people think online dating is the lowest form of meeting someone, but tell me which is better, meeting someone in a bar and giving them your phone number the first time or meeting someone over a computer, facebook stalking them, googling them, emailing them back and forth and then eventually meeting them in a public place.


That's what I thought!



Here are just a few of the lessons I have learned from my online dating experience and those who have shared a few of their stories as well.

1.  When a man tells you that you have sexy legs, and you clearly see you have cellulite on your legs in these particular pictures, you know you are dealing with someone who is clearly at the beginning stages of cataracts.

2. When a man goes by the name, 'Big Tex', and ask if he can be "the buck that you want to ride", it is okay to reply, "EWWWWWW!"

The only Big Tex I care to know and he even burned out.


3. When a man states he doesn't want to date any 'Mommies' you can bet he is a Momma's Boy!

4.  When a man says he is 6', then you can bet he is 5'9...ladies we lie about our weight so we really can not fault them for this one.

5.  When a man sends you a message in french, I believe it was a Patti LaBelle song he was quoting, gets mad at you, yes mad,  because you will not give him your phone number after one email, then wish him well and burn a candle for the woman who falls for him.

6.  When a man sends you pictures of his shoulders, back, abs, you can place a bet that the pictures keep coming and the anatomy he shares keeps getting lower and lower.

7. When your ex gets on the same site as you, finds you, reads your profile and checks out your pictures, then emails you to tell you your pictures suck and you can do better, then it's OK to remind him that he was in the other half of the photo and that's why you look miserable or you can go with my favorite,  tell him to go 'Fork himself.'


In the end, do not fret girls and do not give up, completely. If you keep your sense of humor, appreciate that each experience is a life lesson, and know that some day you will come across the one who understands you, the one who loves you at any weight or hair color, and the one who will tend to you when you are sick, then you have obviously visited an animal shelter and adopted well!




*If you want to see online dating from a reality television point of view, then you must check out the MTV series, 'Catfish'.









Thursday, January 3, 2013

Another Brick In The Wall

Hello Blog,

I have been so busy I have not had a chance to catch up and chat with you in so long.
So let's catch up...


 

AND THEN...


AND THEN...


...BUT YOU KNOW WHAT...



Helllllllooooooo 2013 !