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Monday, July 22, 2013

Two Mothers Two Daughters

We are all born with gifts. All of us. Some gifts are not what you would consider favorable ones. I have been gifted with infertility. That was a difficult statement to make but when you reach a level of acceptance you have to take the next step and claim it. You see without this gift I may not have ever known or appreciated the amazing relationship between a mother and daughter.

This past Saturday I was able to see this type of relationship at it's finest. As my aunt lay in her home close to passing away I was able to stand in her bedroom next to my mother and hold her hand. On the other side my mother held my aunt's hand and my cousin held hers. It was a moment that lasted for quite awhile.  It was just the four of us in that room and no one was speaking. It was so peaceful.

It was a powerful circle of brave, forgiving, and strong women. This circle of two mothers and two daughters held an empowering feeling of love, happiness and sadness. I was so very blessed to be part of that circle. My aunt was the fourth woman in our family in the past five years to leave this earth. I was able to utilize another special gift God had granted me and that was having a special day of goodbyes with each of them. Some people may not consider this a blessing or gift but not everyone has been made strong to have these goodbyes. However, I come from a long line of strong women who taught me how to be stronger with each hello and with each goodbye.

Dedicated to my Aunt Elizabeth.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Is Heaven Deaf?

Last month marked the 3rd year of my baby journey. For 3 years I have tried to get pregnant and/or begin the foster to adopt process and as of today all I have to show for it is...

1.) Left over vials of hormonal injections in my closet
2.) An empty savings account
3.) A former address of the home I once owned
4.) Cashed in favors for people
5.) A list of my body weight that would put Duncan's finest Yo Yo to shame
6.) Receipts from vitamin stores, acupuncturist, and massage therapist
7.) A library of any type of pregnancy, fertility or how to adopt book
8.) A list of a few men who were willing to try to get me pregnant & those who were terrified I would be

What are friends for?

...but no baby. Not yet.

This week I am scheduled to attend yet another two hour "How To Begin" meeting for those who want to adopt. 
I'm dreading it. 
I'm dreading going to see people sitting with their partners while I sit alone hearing all the things I need to get or do. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I'm having to start from scratch, and I understand the importance of the positive attitude  on this trek, and yet I'm still afraid. I believe faking it until you make it, but I'm tired. 
I'm tired of looking at the empty second bedroom, running across the outfits I bought 3 years ago in the back of the closet, or still receiving 'Parent' magazine in the mail no matter how many times I've moved. I'm tired of dreading baby showers.
I'm tired of praying because I'm almost convinced Heaven is deaf.


I get a message from a young woman who lives in California.  Let's call her "Lily". Lily was a student of mine beginning her 6th grade year and my first year to teach middle school. To make a long story short (and respectful), Lily wrote in her journal, on a Friday morning, about going home to end her life, and I just so happened to read her journal before the school day ended. I rushed to find a counselor to stop Lily from getting on her school bus. 
Lily did not end her life that day. 
Today she is a mentor to Athletes at San Diego State and is currently working on her Master's degree.

San Diego State University

Since that Friday many, many years ago our lives have passed a few times randomly...once I went to see someone graduate from high school and there was Lily, it was her high school graduation too. She was in the top of her class. Our paths ran across each other again on Facebook, then on LinkedIn, and today it happened again.

 I get a message on my phone that says the following:

Watching Freedom Writers and can't help but think of you. I know I have told you multiple times but I can't thank you enough for the positive impact you made on my life. You have been such a driving force and positive reminder that I am strong enough to get through any situation this crazy world may throw my way. I can only hope that my kids and nieces and nephews will have such an inspiration in their life. Someone who is so passionate and carrying and loving to show them the way. Thank you for everything that you do love and miss you! Have a wonderful day.
A movie I still have not watched.

I'm not really sure if I'm meant to be a parent to just one child. I'm not sure if I'm meant to foster many in my home as I do in my class. I'm not sure I'm meant to adopt either. What I do know is I have loved and I am loved. I know I have parented many that went on their own way and I have many left to parent in the future. I know what it feels like to be proud of someone young.

And I now know Heaven isn't deaf. 

Friday, July 5, 2013

10 Signs You're Getting Older

  1.  You look down at your skin and it belongs to your great aunt.

  2.  You start to open your mouth to defend yourself against lies but you stop and think,  "F*** it. Why    bother?"

  3.  You realize you have to respect someone to sleep with them.

I toooootally respect him. 

  4.  You don't mind telling people how tired you are.

  5.   You call other females, "Cute or Pretty" instead of "Skinny Bitch".

  6.   You realize that you have a 'better' side when it comes to taking pictures.

  7.   You hear you using your mother's words on your mother.

  8.   You go in public with less and less make up.

  9.   You would rather have peace of mind than pesos.

10.    You find being right is more important than anything else so people will still find you worthy.