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Thursday, February 12, 2015

50 Shades of Shut The Hell Up Already...This One Is All About The S-Word

I am so excited about the new movie "50 Shades of Grey" because it will finally stop being promoted and amped up all over the universe. Good grief already! I did not read the book nor will I see the movie because I've had great sex, and I do not need to borrow someone else's experience.

 50 Opinions or Ideas  (Who has time for 50 of anything) 
15 Things I Have To Say About A Movie That I Will Not See, 
But I Am Tired Of Hearing About It:

1.  It's 2015, so why is a woman still the only one completely nude in a movie especially about sex?!?
2.  Have your own sex instead of living through someone else's experience.
3.  Watch episodes of 'Sex and the City' instead, where the women are in charge of their own orgasms.
4.  Spend $.50 on a piece of gum, instead of $50 on a date night about a movie that could disappoint.
5.  Pass out drunk wearing a pair of Spanx...Trust me when I say you'll wake up feeling the same as if you had been tied up.

6.  Make a list of your best 50 sexual experiences, and if you can't make the list, then get busy!
7.  Pull or pluck 50 shades of gray hair out of your body, it will be more memorable than this movie.
8.  In an era where our next president could very well be a woman, why is a woman portraying herself as sexual play toy for a man?
9.  The main character is allegedly a 'thick' woman. No, Boo, she is not thick.
10. Color 50 strands of your hair gray. I love gray hair! Love it!

Yep. Gray hair. Yum.

11. Save your money to go see 'Magic Mike XXL' this July, then go home, close your eyes, and ravish your husband, boyfriend, or teddy bear.
12. You say you need ideas for a better sex life; the best resource is a group of girlfriends to talk to.
13. You still need ideas for a better sex life, here's a wild idea, talk to the person you want to have this great sex with...if you can have sex with them you better be able to talk with them too.
14. Don't have sex for an entire month, and then your worst lover will start looking real good again.
15. Remember sex is a lot like chocolate, it may not last forever but any amount is goooooood.

I am literally best friends with this chick. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Who Needs A King When You Want A Prince

Sometimes my life makes me think I am in someone else's movie.  Have you ever thought, 'Wow! This is really happening, and I'm in it." 
Last night I was working at a jewelry party, because that is my second job, and I am blessed to have a friend recommend one of their friends to have me at their house. 

Who knew that married men would show up expecting it to be a swinger's party? Not me!
I spent three and a half hours, parties normally run 2, listening to everyone speaking Spanish and having to yell over loud music that I had no comprehension of. 

The evening also included women trying to buy jewelry off of me, i.e. my body like I was at garage sale or flea market, where I too have offered money for pretty stuff but not to avoid spending $5 to avoid shipping and handling costs. After six hours of working the party and working on the invoices at home, I profited $90 dollars, disappointing yes, but it could have been worse. I could have given into temptation, taken shots of their Raspberry Vodka and jumped on a coffee table or married man and danced too. 

As I settled into bed, long after midnight I find my phone beeping to notify me of several Facebook messages, from people I do not know that well and some I do not know at all. Requesting favors that took a lot of balls, kind of like the men who showed up hoping to swap wives instead of buying jewelry for them. The other shocking message was from an attractive man, who calls himself King, no ego issues here, letting me know how proud he is of me and how pretty I am. We have never met, nor will we, although I appreciate his pride in me as well as his sincere compliments, he is not my King, but I do have a group of married men I would love to introduce him to.