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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Python That Wouldn't Get Out Of The Deep End

There are so many wonderful things about the onset of summer and the signs of it being here.

For example, buying bags of ice is really only a necessity at summer time and this usually means gatherings or parties with friends and family.

The smell of BBQ seeping out of some one's backyard and making you visualize Memorial Day or July 4th with red, white, and blue everywhere...ahhhhh so Americana.

The first whiff of chlorine tells us it's time to get the coppertone and swim suits out.

The swim suits...ugh...

Ladies and gentleman, the dreaded trying of the bathing suits...
For me it is routine to take a water pill, walk the dog a little extra that morning, and not eating before walking in that oh so doomed section called SWIMWEAR...insert dramatic music...

Today, however, I was inspired to write this blog By that department and only because I wasn't shopping in it. Walking by the SWIMWEAR department...insert dramatic music...I noticed in the plus size section a snakeskin bathing suit.


How cruel can you be to a plus size woman! It's bad enough trying them on, wearing them in public, and finding the right cover up to compliment you, but now they are made in a material that makes a woman look like the python that just swallowed her dinner whole?!?

Oh summertime you wonderful and yet cruel old friend.

Uhhhhh...No Mam.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

No Class, I Am Not A Transvestive

For some time I have kept a log of a few great quotes that I hear in my classroom. Keep in mind I teach 6th, 7th, and 8th grade which ranges from 11-15 year olds. I will not be stating the context in which these one liners came out of, but I will let your imagination return you to middle school, so you can laugh, cry, and even get mad.

There are also some that are going to leave you staring straight ahead and into space from shock, just like I did, because these are the same people who will be running this country one day.


"Oh wow! Miss L, you're a girl?"

RuPaul not me.

"If a man is married is it Mr or Mrs?"

"Why would I go to a party I was invited to? If I'm invited, then it probably sucks."

"Fool, she ain't white. She Italian."

"How long have your eyes been green?"

"Today is a very good day. We got word that my dad is in jail finally."

"High school is going to be so easy."

It's what we thought too.

"Here's $2 for our swear jar because have I got a story for you and some adjectives can not be replaced."

"All I gotta do is smile at my daddy, and I get new shoes."

"Yeah, we have arranged marriages in our family. Everyone is really worried about my middle sister being returned...she's kind of a dumb ass."

"Hmmm... I guess being a racist works for some people."

"We got to go see my brother this weekend?" (How's he doing?) "About 10-20 in Huntsville."

"Shhh...She must be PMSing. Check out her face. I think that's chocolate on her lip."

I'm not that bad...all the time.

"I met my daddy last night. He just showed up at the front door, and said, 'Boy, I'm your real daddy' and he still didn't have no money on him."

"My dad is too busy working to learn English, and my mom is busy taking care of all those kids to learn it, so I'm the family translator."

"The devil is a lie. I swear. I'll say it again. The devil is a lie."

"Don't bribe a teacher in front of witnesses, fool. Where you from???"

"My mom's in Pakistan for two months. Can you give me her hugs while she's gone?"

"I got no problem in the head."

"If it smells like 'roses', it is not my fault."

"Uh huh I did not lie. I'm from the right hand on the bible kind of family. ."

"I miss middle school. We had it so easy."

A new requirement for middle school students
Glad I don't teach here.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Dedicated To Two Old Horses

Last week I wrote about the definition, according to LiLu, of a man. This week it seems appropriate to define a woman.

Historically, we have been known as the chick created from a rib, the trouble maker who ate some fruit and didn't listen very well, and of course we are the cause of a few wars, if you believe everything you read.

Well they may be right. I, however, being a woman who likes to eat ribs, but not in public (figure that one out), who has dabbled in the area of forbidden fruit and failed to follow directions accurately, and although I haven't started too many wars, being an Aries I most certainly know how to fight like a warrior either for myself or for another, would like to give my personal definition of not just a woman, but that of a lady.

A lady is one who smiles at you while all along cussing you out in her head because you have "gone too far."

A lady is one who wipes the dirt from their forehead, stands up, cooks dinner for everyone but feeds herself while standing.

A lady is one who knows which is the salad fork and which is the dessert fork, but would prefer being at home, in her favorite t-shirt, reading her best magazine and eating cookie dough with her fingers.

A lady is one who pays her bills, helps her mother pay hers, and still has enough left over to get her nails done.

A lady is one who doesn't beat her children, although they have given her pretty much ever reason to do so, instead she hugs them.

A lady is one who moistorizes the face, neck and chest because the chest wrinkles and shows age, sometimes faster than anything above it.
A lady is from the South and knows what it means when they hear, "She carries an iron fist with a velvet glove" without further explanation.

A lady is a woman who has worked with good ole boys in the "industry" and still has a sense of self and humor.

A lady describes my mother, my godmother, and all those who had a hand in raising me.

Thank you, ladies.
Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 4, 2012

Man or Myth

Recently I have been exposed to a lot of father/child relationships for various reasons. Maybe because I am on the path of being a foster/adoptive mother, so God/The Universe/Higher Power has decided I need to see more of the role of a man in a child's life and someday use these observations to make me a better parent. Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much...either way I have decided to define what a man is in my own words.

According to Webster's Dictionary a man is "an individual human belonging to a particular category."

My definition of a man is something like this...
... one who is considered the Sexiest Man Alive (twice) but worries if the dog he wants to adopt will like him

... one who talks about himself to be open and share not because he wants to be the center/topic of all conversations who realizes his karma, shakes his head, and accepts it
... one who is amused by his daughter and doesn't try to make her something he would have dated who is amused by his son and doesn't try to make a duplicate of himself but rather a better version of himself who builds up the people around him with unconditional love, praise, and sincerity who makes time to teach life lessons to others besides his own children.

OR maybe Salt N Pepa had it right all along.