Recently, I have decided that I don't need the approval of others. For those who have known me for longer than a minute, you can stop laughing now. I know you are all thinking to yourself, "When have you ever waited for any one's approval?" Please understand that just because I've always wanted some one's approval doesn't mean it has stopped me from living my life, because it hasn't. It has made me a different kind of woman though. In reality, I have always wanted the approval of certain family members and a few friends.
The desire for their approval, however has "trained" me from childhood to adulthood that I should try extra hard to be ready to please others when they call on me. It has molded my heart to forgive extra easily and not confront those uncomfortable conversations (i.e. pretend there are no problems between us) or the fact that they won't speak to me for weeks, months, or years at a time, at least until it is beneficial for them.
...And then it dawned on me during this month of Breast Cancer awareness, that what if I really did get sick and die from cancer like the stories you sometimes hear?
What if I went missing like one of those women on Nancy Grace? (Fortunately, it pays to be a thick girl, we are harder to knock out and carry away.)
What would these people say or do if I were to really disappear?
How would they answer the media's questions?
What would they say at my memorial service once my ashes were poured out of a helicopter over Disney World? (Yes, you read that right.)
They shouldn't say they would miss me.
They have been acting like I've been missing for weeks and months already.
They shouldn't say they took care of me during my months of illness.
They have treated my like I have had leprosy for weeks and months already.
They shouldn't say they loved me and will never forget me.
They have been acting like they had amnesia for weeks and months already.
So why then do I stress over people and tippy toe, stop laughing, over how I can please them?
How can I get them to realize my feelings hurt like theirs, or how can I earn their love?
They are my family.
I don't have to earn it.
They are my friends.
I've earned it.
So in honor of the month that battles cancer, I am going to get rid of another kind of disease/cancer.
It is called, "Your Approval".
It is spiritually and mentally deadly!
It consumes happiness.
It causes stress which causes weight gain and sleepless nights.
It causes headaches.
It causes heartache.
It causes guilt, and we all know guilt causes false relationships.
Looks like a clean bill of health for this girl!
*I am dedicating this blog to my grandmother, Inez, and my Uncle Dan who both lost their battle to different forms of cancer and cancer related diseases. They were strong through their cancer battles, and I'm pretty sure they never suffered from "Your Approval."