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Monday, October 12, 2015

Time Flies When You Don't Know What The Hell You Are Doing

I cannot believe it has been four months since I last blogged. Actually I do believe it, but that sounds better than any excuse I could possibly give you.  I will try to catch you up in what I like to do the most... make a list, and in the order they occurred.  Do not get too excited there's only 4 items on this list. 

1. I gave dating one more try, ended up dating men who lied about their marital status, their name, their career and let us not forget the three men I was talking to who all had the same first name, but spelled it differently. Where are they now? Possibly in Dallas, Dallus, or Dalis. However, I did meet met my sweetheart, and he is my exact opposite. 

2. The family visited a water park 2-3 times a week for 4 weeks. I included this because it is just a lot of public water to experience. Even with this excessive amount to the exposure of foul things in public water sources and what my Fit Bit says is 13,000 steps or more, I still gained a lot of weight and decided to take water aerobics with women all in their 60's. They literally water ballet-ed around me and kicked my enlarged buttocks in class, but I left with my sun burnt head held high.

3. I realized I missed teaching and being in the classroom, and I decided to apply for a teaching position in a few districts.  I accepted a teaching job because I wanted a challenge.  I still can't believe I am back in the classroom and I work with the people I work with. The best part of my day is beginning it with my autistic student who does a great James Brown impersonation. Now, I miss being a Life Coach full time. 

4. Last, but not least, I have fallen in love with an amazing man who thinks my menopausal attention disorder along with excessive list making is charming and my butt is the perfect size...Ladies and gentleman, we have found a winner! 

This is my other sweetheart, my Uncle, and that is my butt. ..I know right?!? Hot! 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

I Won't Tell My Therapist But I'll Tell You

Since I last wrote I turned 46 years old, moved out of my comfort zone to a new city, and started going through menopause (thanks to chemotherapy), so you can only imagine how charming I have been lately.

Actually, I am always charming but sometimes it is misunderstood as being bitchy.


I haven't forgotten about my blogging life it just seemed a little like going to therapy, and I didn't want to have to admit to this or that to anyone, but here I am.

The following is a list of things I don't want to tell a therapist (if I even had one), buuuuuuuut, I'll tell you:

1. Menopause sucks! I have always been a person who never was hot, now I break out into a sweat and throw things off of me like a stripper with Turrets.

2. Turning 46 is just too damn close to 50. I threatened a girl with INS for offering me the senior citizen discount at Salvation Army. She had blond hair and blue eyes, but my ass was ready to send her back to Sweden!

3. I love living near the beach! Oh how I have always wanted to, however for future advice to y'all, do not move near the beach when it is summer time and you are beginning menopause. I no longer have that youthful summer glow. I leak like a freaking water hose.

You are officially all caught up with my life. I promise.  
I also promise to keep blogging and sharing with you.
Thanks for hanging in there!

This is the new face of menopause.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

One Of Those Days

Things They Do Not Tell You In Breast Cancer Survivor School:

1. You will think every ache, pain, and bump is cancer.

2. Blood work and medical test of any sort can be continuous and cause sudden crying & high anxiety.

3. You will feel guilty for surviving & terrified of dying at the same moment.

4. The color pink (especially in the form of a ribbon) will cause you to want to punch someone.

5. Being afraid is normal. To stop taking chances is not.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

50 Shades of Shut The Hell Up Already...This One Is All About The S-Word

I am so excited about the new movie "50 Shades of Grey" because it will finally stop being promoted and amped up all over the universe. Good grief already! I did not read the book nor will I see the movie because I've had great sex, and I do not need to borrow someone else's experience.

 50 Opinions or Ideas  (Who has time for 50 of anything) 
15 Things I Have To Say About A Movie That I Will Not See, 
But I Am Tired Of Hearing About It:

1.  It's 2015, so why is a woman still the only one completely nude in a movie especially about sex?!?
2.  Have your own sex instead of living through someone else's experience.
3.  Watch episodes of 'Sex and the City' instead, where the women are in charge of their own orgasms.
4.  Spend $.50 on a piece of gum, instead of $50 on a date night about a movie that could disappoint.
5.  Pass out drunk wearing a pair of Spanx...Trust me when I say you'll wake up feeling the same as if you had been tied up.

6.  Make a list of your best 50 sexual experiences, and if you can't make the list, then get busy!
7.  Pull or pluck 50 shades of gray hair out of your body, it will be more memorable than this movie.
8.  In an era where our next president could very well be a woman, why is a woman portraying herself as sexual play toy for a man?
9.  The main character is allegedly a 'thick' woman. No, Boo, she is not thick.
10. Color 50 strands of your hair gray. I love gray hair! Love it!

Yep. Gray hair. Yum.

11. Save your money to go see 'Magic Mike XXL' this July, then go home, close your eyes, and ravish your husband, boyfriend, or teddy bear.
12. You say you need ideas for a better sex life; the best resource is a group of girlfriends to talk to.
13. You still need ideas for a better sex life, here's a wild idea, talk to the person you want to have this great sex with...if you can have sex with them you better be able to talk with them too.
14. Don't have sex for an entire month, and then your worst lover will start looking real good again.
15. Remember sex is a lot like chocolate, it may not last forever but any amount is goooooood.

I am literally best friends with this chick. 

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Who Needs A King When You Want A Prince

Sometimes my life makes me think I am in someone else's movie.  Have you ever thought, 'Wow! This is really happening, and I'm in it." 
Last night I was working at a jewelry party, because that is my second job, and I am blessed to have a friend recommend one of their friends to have me at their house. 

Who knew that married men would show up expecting it to be a swinger's party? Not me!
I spent three and a half hours, parties normally run 2, listening to everyone speaking Spanish and having to yell over loud music that I had no comprehension of. 

The evening also included women trying to buy jewelry off of me, i.e. my body like I was at garage sale or flea market, where I too have offered money for pretty stuff but not to avoid spending $5 to avoid shipping and handling costs. After six hours of working the party and working on the invoices at home, I profited $90 dollars, disappointing yes, but it could have been worse. I could have given into temptation, taken shots of their Raspberry Vodka and jumped on a coffee table or married man and danced too. 

As I settled into bed, long after midnight I find my phone beeping to notify me of several Facebook messages, from people I do not know that well and some I do not know at all. Requesting favors that took a lot of balls, kind of like the men who showed up hoping to swap wives instead of buying jewelry for them. The other shocking message was from an attractive man, who calls himself King, no ego issues here, letting me know how proud he is of me and how pretty I am. We have never met, nor will we, although I appreciate his pride in me as well as his sincere compliments, he is not my King, but I do have a group of married men I would love to introduce him to. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

I Think I'll Go To The Zoo Today

It is said all the time that you do not have to be blood related to be family, and this has been the case since I was a child. At 10 years old my best friend, gave me another family, including another grandmother, who was called, 'Geenaw'. 

This Monday Geenaw joined other loved ones in a more celestial place. Her 88 years on Earth was an endless giving of good things...not Martha Stewart good things, but real women/real life good things. 

Like any grandmother, food was a great gift she gave us.  Geenaw introduced me to Top’s BBQ, The Rendevous, and of course her catfish is legendary. Mustard. That's right, mustard. It is a recipe that my family adopted from her and still uses today.

From the age of 11 to my early 20's, I visited Memphis on a yearly basis during the summer time and once or twice getting to attend Memphis in May, a really big city event. Memphis became my second home to where I knew the street names and how to get around. I became a frequent visitor at Graceland, The Memphis Zoo, Mud Island, and The Pink Palace and introduced to all of them by Geenaw.

The best part of her tours was being introduced to the extra pieces of personal fondness she added to each trip, each adventure, even learning about the Sears building across from the first Krystal Burger and being shown the motel where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.

I do not know if she ever knew her impact on my visits, but then again maybe she did. She was not a woman who needed kudos just desserts.  I'm talking good stuff like cakes, cupcakes and candy bars. 

Geenaw made me feel like one of her very own even when we would play Yahtzee. She wanted to beat me like any other family member she played games with, and that is how I knew I was an official granddaughter. 

Thanks to Geenaw I fell in love with the Memphis Zoo and visited it with her frequently growing up. She taught me about volunteering at the Zoo and how life in your 50's and 60's did not have to include soap operas and unnecessary mall trips, but enjoying life's creatures and little treasures. I loved visiting the zoo so much, that when my own family had a reunion near Memphis we took a trip to the Memphis Zoo, and I got to step in her shoes and play tour guide.

Thank you, Geenaw.

I think I'll go to the Zoo today.