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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

WARNING: No Humor Nor Photos In This One

Today was my...what they now politely call the 'Well Woman Exam'.
It is in the same building as my fertility specialist that I was seeing since last July (after the quack).
I started having anxiety driving in the parking lot, just reliving all the appointments I had in the building with so much hope and eventually heartache.

I parked in the back and went around the building just so I wouldn't have to see all the couples in the fertility waiting room with their hopes and maybe heartaches too.

When I arrived on the 2nd floor, where I belonged for today, I stepped off the elevator to a waiting room of pregnant women. I gasped as if I were walking into a waiting room filled with clowns.

There they were. All ages. All races. All sizes. All beautiful.
They had swollen feet, swollen hands, puffy faces, and they were beautiful.
I wonder if they knew that?
I started crying sitting there. I did what I could to hide my tears.

I was jealous.
I was sad.
I was alone.
I was still childless.

I cried waiting for the doctor in my paper gown.

I lied there staring at a very ugly poster of external genitalia wondering why this was such a difficult task.

The saddest part of all was after I explained to the doctor why I was crying and after my exam,
she said, "Well, for next year's exam just remember we do not see pregnant patients on Fridays, so maybe you can schedule your appointment on a Friday next time."

It was like pouring salt on a wound.

I was broken hearted.
I laid there thanking God.
I went over two things I know for sure.

Before Jesus multiplied the loaves and fish, he broke the bread first.
I thanked God for breaking me.

I also know he will give me double for my trouble.
I thanked God for my trouble.

I thanked God for multiplying me, and I thanked God for doubling my blessings.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Apparently I Want It All

Once upon a time I thought I knew it all or at least enough, but in reality I was dumb.
Dumb when it came to men, relationships, and what I was truly feeling.
I walked around like I knew what I was doing and what I was talking about, but, No.
I was dumb.

The ultimate dummy.

The ironic part is now that I’m not as dumb, do not misunderstand I still make dumb mistakes but now on accident, I have found that some men want women to act like we are dumb.

                                        WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME ALREADY?

Does it make them feel like they are smooth if we act gullible?

Does it make a man feel smarter if he believes we don’t know what he is trying to get away with?

Does he feel more manly if we don’t call his bluff or his bullshit?

The ultimate 'Yes Dear'.

When did we, the single female, become so lonely that we would even consider acting as dumb as we once were and relinquish all that we want?
If  I get this right, it means we have to look a certain way, dress sexy but not slutty, wear make up but not too little or too much, have a sex drive of a 40 something (okay…check), be patient when they hide in their man caves, don’t ask too many questions, and play dumb when they want to pretend they didn’t just insult us, lie to us, or try to use us.

Well, here is what I say...

I want to dress in my flannel PJ's when I want.
I want to dress in my FMPumps and pearls when I want.

The ultimate shoe...FMPump
I want to cut my hair short or grow it long when I want.
I want to soak in hot bubble baths with candle light and listen to Miles Davis when I want.
I want to get dirty going fishing and clean my own fish when I want.
I want to gain 10 lbs and him not notice.
I want to lose 5 lbs and him notice.

The ultimate 'thick girl'.
I want to go without make up when I want.
I want to wear heavy eye make up when I want.
I want to make a mistake and not worry about being considered dumb.
I want to correct him on his mistakes and not worry about making him feel dumb.

Apparently I want it all.

The Ultimate Drama Queen

Monday, July 2, 2012

Have An Open Mind, Will Travel

For a person of little means I have had the great pleasure of traveling and experiencing some extraordinary things, not typical, but extraordinary and certainly special. I thought it would be appropriate to write about them during summer time. The following are most of my unique experiences I have had in my travels thus far...and yes they really did happen.

1. I have checked into a motel under the name of Carol and Mike Brady in Mexico. (The motel pretended like we had reservations too.)
2. I have slept on the floor of an airport in Mexico.
3. I have had champagne served to me while floating off the coast of a nude beach in St. Marteen by a man wearing a bow tie, while I floated in the clear waters.
4. I have had the worst tasting pizza in Kentucky, the best tasting pizza in Philadelphia, the best Sushi in Puerto Rico, the best sweet tea and fried chicken in Munford, Tenn, and the worst tasting mexican food in Cancun.
5. I have gone Moose hunting (okay stalking) with night vision goggles in Alaska at 2 am.

That's Not Me.

6. I have walked the bottom of the ocean in St. Thomas with eels swimming around me.
7. I have had two manatees swim between my legs.
8. I have been 3 feet from a family of brown bears eating breakfast while sitting in the middle of their water in Alaska.
9. I have been stuck and hung off the side of a seaplane while about to take off in Alaska.
10. I have had my picture taken with Cinderella.

That's not me.

11. I have slept at the same hotel Ronald Regan was shot at in Washington D.C.
12. I have been 'towed off' the Frio River via inter tubes with two others.
13. I have gone bear hunting (okay stalking a baby bear) on a golf cart on the Kenai River.
14. I have caught my first salmon on the Kenai River and cleaned my fish at midnight by the sun.
15. I have gone clam digging on the beaches of Alaska and returned to camp to make home made clam chowder.

That's not me.

16. I have seen David Copperfield in Las Vegas.
17. I have stood in front of the Belagio water show waiting for George Clooney to show up.
18. I have prayed with a friend in New Orleans in their oldest church.
19. I have stopped a fight between 1 of my best friends and a prom queen, on prom night, over a janitor at Krystal Burgers in New Orleans off Bourbon Street.
20. I have visited Graceland over 10 times and the last time I was there I corrected the tour guide over the last song Elvis ever sang.

No pics of me on this street available...for a reason.

21. I have been with my uncle when he innocently said to a sales clerk in Disney World, "I have a Buzz, but I really need to get a Woody." (I turned around and walked out. I had not seen Toy Story yet.)
22. I have ridden Space Mountain at midnight on Christmas Morning.
23. I have sung to every Crystal Gayle song with two others on the way to Coushatta.
24. I have swum with a million Tinkerbells in Puerto Rico. This is not an exaggeration, but I just don't remember the scientific name of what I really swam with.
25. I have been to Alcatraz, listened to Santana while driving through the Redwoods, and ate nothing but garlic for dinner in San Francisco.

Nope, not me either.

26. I found my mother's best friend's name on the Vietnam Wall in D.C. and sketched it.
27. I have fed an iguana the rest of my breakfast in Puerto Rico.
28. I saw and played in snow for the first time in Canada at the age of 36.
29. I found my family's name on the Ellis Island wall.
30. I have walked in a court room and sat in on a murder trial in Calgary, Canada just for fun and by accident.

That's not me either.

I know some people have done and travelled farther and to more exotic places, but was it as interesting as my list?