2013 BC

I want to go back to a time where cancer wasn't my every thought.  You know, 2013 BC...before cancer. The days where, I could "cheat" on a diet and it was just my arteries I would have to worry about. Now, I have to stop and think, "Uh oh, cancer likes sugar so I shouldn't eat that." or "Nope, can't even pretend to want just one margarita- cancer wants that sugar and alcohol so it can grow more." 

Forget about trying to date after the diagnosis and before or during treatment. When the guy ask you what you do for fun, what do you say, "Oh well I research about breast cancer when I'm not completely exhausted and want to sleep all day." 

You don't want to attend family functions with the people who know, because they will be staring at you and studying you to see if they could tell you were sick. 

And I definitely want to return to 2013 BC, when I thought friends were friends, and did not know who were cling-ons that would talk to you only when they needed a motivational speech or something else from you. 

2013 BC was a time I lived in and I thought someone respected me until you hear him or her say directly to you, "people get what they deserve" and your world crumbles. 

Let us not leave out the experts on everything cancer. Good grief. Shut up already! "Oh be glad you still have (fill in the blank), because that cancer will take it away from you." Who knew in 2013 BC there were so many experts living among me? 

Oh am I having a pity party? 

Yep. 

It's my breast and I'll cry if I want to. 

Now I know there are 100 things I could be thankful for and I will probably post that in a minute, but I have to get these thoughts out so they do not continue to consume me. You see some day maybe some other woman diagnosed with breast cancer will need to see these words and not feel so alone. Or they will be like I do with most literature on breast cancer and roll their eyes and walk away. 

This is my favorite time of year, and yet I'm afraid to listen to Christmas music. What if I'm having a cancer moment and that song on the radio is suddenly attached to a cancer moment forever. 

(Side note: a cancer moment, in my book, is when the thought of cancer consumes your mind and heart and you feel helpless for just a moment and you lose all other forms of identity of yourself. You are no longer a teacher, a daughter, a sister or an aunt, but you are the woman with cancer and you're left in tears. For me these tears turn in to fury because I hate the idea of losing my other identities to this bitch called cancer. I already hate pink and those ribbons. Ugh. F*** those pink ribbons!)

Life is too long to be angry. That's right it is too long. It's a must to get these words out of me, because I don't, I won't feed the bitch.  I'm grumpy. I'm sleepy. I'm tired. I'm human, so I'm not always going to be the one to be positive, but I am also the girl that existed before the diagnosis, therefore I will be myself again real soon. Who knows? Maybe even by tomorrow. 

I will certainly be the girl who looks forward to writing a post entitled,   2013 AD...after diagnosis.