He wasn’t an alcoholic. He wasn’t a drug addict. He was just mean as hell. Looking back now & being educated I’m pretty sure my father was bipolar. He was cruel. He took his self hate out on my mother. Actually he took his self hate out on the wife before my mother, Let's call her Cleopatra, and all the wives after my mother..I have fake names for all of them too... Bugs Bunny, Gloria Swanson, White Trash, and Twin. Geez, I feel like I’m forgetting one of the wives. Who knows? And yes, he beat them all. And for the most part I saw the bruising, the blood and heard a few fights or sounds of punching. As early as I can remember all females in his path, even his own grandmother he called whores. As a 5 year old, I didn't know what that was, but I knew it wasn't something coming from love.
What caused me to think of all of this was seeing Charlie Sheen on The Emmys. So many people have no idea how sick a person is and they really and truly can not help themselves when they are ill and not educated or medicated to deal with the bipolar disease. It effects everybody and the people who usually suffer from it, are so loving and generous, but they just can't help themselves.
I am actually grateful to my father for so much now. He loved me the best way he knew how even in his own ill way. He taught me to love every style of music and to dance at every party. He taught me the love of lakes and boats. He taught me that you're never too old to need your mother. He taught me how important it is to make people laugh. He taught me forgiving someone never changes them but it changes us for forgiving them. He taught me that even in the worst of times...when you can pull yourself together, tell people you're sorry and you love them...even if they don't believe you and even if they shouldn't believe you. (Don't get me wrong he never sat down and had these talks, these are lessons from my father through experiences with him.)
The man caused so much pain growing up I literally use to fantasize about when he would die, and when he did die I cried. I cried because the only father I would ever have would never change now. He would never get to be the man I needed him to be. He would never be alive when I was pregnant, and I sure as hell didn’t want him dead since I believe in reincarnation.
I have a relative who thinks her father was/is the worst man on earth because he was selfish. He was. He put other women first for a long time. Now this relative doesn't speak to any of us because she doesn't want to hear our excuses for her father's old ways...still trying to figure this one out. She has admitted that she doesn't want to speak to her father now because he is a better father to her siblings (who are 8 and 4) than he was to her. Let's see... he is still alive, changed his ways, and loves her. Did he ever call her a whore? Nope. Did he beat her mother or her? Nope. Is he suffering from a chemical imbalance? Nope.
(Insert sarcasm) Oh yeah. This all makes sense.
I find it so sad that as she prepares for her upcoming wedding, she really has no idea how lucky she was to have a father who was only selfish. Who wasn't bipolar. Who is still alive and just wants to be a great dad. Thank goodness she didn't have my dad or Charlie Sheen for a pop.
And by the way, God Bless Charlie Sheen for trying to get well and getting a chance to be a great dad to his kids, yet again.
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