Just Another Day...

It's been a long time since I blogged.
I have had my hands full with work, a semi-relationship, among other lifestyle events and distractions.
I am still in the process of taking classes to be a foster to adopt mother.
In the meantime it seems everyone is getting pregnant again around me...that always happens to women on this journey however.


I smile for them because I am happy for them, but recently the dam broke, and I couldn't hold it back anymore.
All in one day...
Another relationship failed.
Another bill wasn't paid.
Another disappointment occurred at work.
Another drama-filled day was created by another bored housewife.
Another 5lbs was added on to my ass.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
(They would lose the gold medal to me in The Emotional Olympics.)

They say love is kind and love is patient.
(They have never met some of my family.)

They say it's always darkest before the dawn.
(They have never been in my head.)

They say if you put your problems in a pile with everyone else's you would pick yours back up and go home.
(They are correct!)

I am thankful for it all... even another day.
Happy Thanksgiving!

It's A Dirty Job, But Somebody's Got To Do It

A few weeks ago I took 3 days of parenting classes for foster and foster to adopt parents. It felt similar to a 'Scared Straight' session with a few Hallmark moments here and there, and at the end of the week we were asked, "Well, are you still up for this or is it too much for you?"

I stopped and thought long and hard about...

all the clutter from toys,
all the noises in my home,
how exhausted I will be from long nights awake, hugging and comforting,
how my clothes will be wrinkled and possibly covered in spit up,
and then I imagined someone calling me "Mommy".

The answer is so obvious.

4

There are people who come into our lives, and they are meant to be in it until our golden years.
These people are your best girlfriends.
I was blessed to meet mine when I was 10.
My single mother met hers when I was also 10.

The 4 of us have shared moments that have been funny, triumphant, and forever life changing.

1.  We have shared blue hair at The Flock of Seagulls concert.
2.  We have shared the birth of a first child and the adoption of a first.
3.  We have shared the success of careers that took one to Europe and another career that raised and supported more than one family.
4.  We have shared the heartache of losing our hearts to men and our loved ones to cancer.
5.  We have shared vacations on islands and mountains where getting lost should always be on the agenda for us 4.

And now we have started a new tradition of sharing one weekend a year with just the 4 of us.

A few weeks ago, we spent the day and night downtown meeting Betty White in an interview, drinking lots of wine and eating delicious Italian food.
We wore comfy pajamas, watched chick flicks, laughed until we cried, and ate chocolate cake standing up.

I look forward to next year's '4 Get Together'. Who knows what stories, confessions, or embarrassing moments we will share then.

Thank you ladies for being there through the blue hair, success and failures thus far, and for reminding me no matter how lost we get we can always find each other at 201 Franklin...or was it Main Street?

God, A Woman, and The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf

                                                                              PROLOGUE:
This is the story about a woman who had a dream. A dream to be a mother. Now this woman I am telling you about is no virginal Mary, but there was once The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf  who had been a huffing, and a puffing, and trying to knock down her door. But God, well God had a back door for this woman to escape...

You see there was once a woman who fell for a wolf, fell hard, like HARD, but she picked herself up, dusted herself off, and kept going.

In fact, she decided, "Screw this dating gig, I'm going to get pregnant on my own."

 Well, a year and a half later, that woman is not pregnant yet, but she never forgot about her heart's desire to be a mother. She FINALLY started to forget about The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf too.

(Random tidbit...Did you know Noe stands for Noah. Noah was the name this woman wanted to name her first son...anyway...)

This woman, who is nothing like Mary, decided to check out the foster to adopt program. It seemed like the right calling for her. She began the paperwork. She checked into all sorts of resources. And one day, the trumpets sounded and she finally received an announcement that read...

"We received your paperwork.
You will be hearing from the stork."
 You are on your way.
Before long you will have a bay-bay."

(Ok. It didn't say these exact words, but you get the gist.)

Oh how this woman was elated and excited. She was about to go announce to all the good news, when suddenly there was a ding on her computer. It was The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf!
                                 
                                                                   (insert dramatic music)

After 15 months, The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf sent this woman a message with great remorse, great passion in his tone, and a huge amount of bullshi*.

"Oh no!" Thought the woman, who was nothing like Mary, "Why now? What does he want?"

He distracted her.
He kept her mind elsewhere.
He.
He.
Well, he was full of crap.

One day the woman decided not to answer a phone call from The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf, and instead she sat still and watched a crazy, sweating, yelling preacher on television, and he was telling people in Dallas, Texas...

"God told Mary, I can make this happen without a man!!! Ladies, if he don't get you then forget him! When they leave, then clap as they go! The devil will look good and come to you when you least expect it! Stand strong and don't be swayed and when all else fails ask God for a direct sign! Stand up, and set it off!"



Well this woman caught herself sitting on the couch with her jaw dropped. She looked around as if God himself had just spoken to her, the woman who is nothing like Mary. She spent the rest of the day walking on her tip toes as if she walked too hard, the earth would crack and swallow her up. She waited for the sign from God. It came. Who knew God knew how to text message?

The Big Bad Very Hot Latino Wolf hasn't given up, but neither has the woman.
Her adoption classes begin in a few weeks, and no one is stopping her from getting her heart's desire...to be a mother.
After all, God once told a woman, "I can make it happen without man."

Twas The Night Before School

Twas the night before school when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a facebook account.
The bathing suits were hung in the shower with care; In hopes that summer would soon be here.

The teachers were nestled all snug in their bed, while visions of classes well managed danced in their heads.
When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw to the side the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a Harley with Jax from "Sons of Anarchy".

I forgot what I was saying...

He was dressed in leather and denim, from his head to his brass knuckles.

He was sun tanned and tight, a right jolly young biker. I felt like I wanted to be a hitch hiker.
And I giggled when I saw him, in spite of myself!
A wink of his eye and a smirk on his face, soon let me know I belonged no other place.

He sprang in my dreams, gave me a smile to remember, and then away he flew like he had to be out by September.

As he revved his Harley and disappeared slowly out of sight, he yelled, "Happy School Year To All and To All Have A Hell Of A Night."

What's Your 20? I Got My Rabbit Ears On...

I would like to thank the Cloo television channel on AT&T Uverse for their run of 70's television shows last week.
I turned it into a project, recorded different programs and really took a good look at what I once admired and thought was 'real life' as a child.
The following are what I took from my big research project last week.

1. Why is Sabrina wearing a turtle neck while Jill wears a vest without a shirt or bra?

2. Why is Quincy wearing a sweater and a shirt while his date on this house boat wears a bikini?

3. Why do all the bad guys say, "Shut up" to each other while sitting in plain view of their soon to be         victim who always gets away on foot?
             * Did the bad guys get caught for lack of communication?
             * Were the cars that much slower than humans?
             * This was a time when people actually walked and looked up (no texting), so how is it we    
                never saw these bad guys in plain sight?

4.  Why did all the actresses portraying singers in the 70's sound like Kathie Lee Gifford? OR did she make all those cameos while also singing on 'Name That Tune'?

5. How did so many men with really bad acne get those acting jobs? You and I both know they would never be hired today.

6. Why did females throw in a country accent when their character was meant to be innocent or dumb?

7.  What was the actual weight of a cell phone in the 70's?    < 3lbs (I googled it.)

8.   Were men this horny and easy in the 70's? (Yikes!)

9.   Was Bosley gay? The Angels seduced every other man, but he seemed completely unaffected.

10.  How in the heck did Jed Clampett become a detective?

11. Laverne was a hoe. Shirley was a tease.

12. Why did James Evans have to get killed off and yet racist Archie Bunker outlived him and Edith?!?


                                             WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME PLEASE.

WARNING: No Humor Nor Photos In This One

Today was my...what they now politely call the 'Well Woman Exam'.
It is in the same building as my fertility specialist that I was seeing since last July (after the quack).
I started having anxiety driving in the parking lot, just reliving all the appointments I had in the building with so much hope and eventually heartache.

I parked in the back and went around the building just so I wouldn't have to see all the couples in the fertility waiting room with their hopes and maybe heartaches too.

When I arrived on the 2nd floor, where I belonged for today, I stepped off the elevator to a waiting room of pregnant women. I gasped as if I were walking into a waiting room filled with clowns.

There they were. All ages. All races. All sizes. All beautiful.
They had swollen feet, swollen hands, puffy faces, and they were beautiful.
I wonder if they knew that?
I started crying sitting there. I did what I could to hide my tears.

I was jealous.
I was sad.
I was alone.
I was still childless.

I cried waiting for the doctor in my paper gown.

I lied there staring at a very ugly poster of external genitalia wondering why this was such a difficult task.

The saddest part of all was after I explained to the doctor why I was crying and after my exam,
she said, "Well, for next year's exam just remember we do not see pregnant patients on Fridays, so maybe you can schedule your appointment on a Friday next time."

It was like pouring salt on a wound.

I was broken hearted.
I laid there thanking God.
I went over two things I know for sure.

Before Jesus multiplied the loaves and fish, he broke the bread first.
I thanked God for breaking me.

I also know he will give me double for my trouble.
I thanked God for my trouble.

I thanked God for multiplying me, and I thanked God for doubling my blessings.

Apparently I Want It All

Once upon a time I thought I knew it all or at least enough, but in reality I was dumb.
Dumb when it came to men, relationships, and what I was truly feeling.
I walked around like I knew what I was doing and what I was talking about, but, No.

I was dumb.

The ultimate dummy.

The ironic part is now that I’m not as dumb, do not misunderstand I still make dumb mistakes but now on accident, I have found that some men want women to act like we are dumb.

Why?
                                        WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME ALREADY?

Does it make them feel like they are smooth if we act gullible?

Does it make a man feel smarter if he believes we don’t know what he is trying to get away with?

Does he feel more manly if we don’t call his bluff or his bullshit?

The ultimate 'Yes Dear'.

When did we, the single female, become so lonely that we would even consider acting as dumb as we once were and relinquish all that we want?

If  I get this right, it means we have to look a certain way, dress sexy but not slutty, wear make up but not too little or too much, have a sex drive of a 40 something (okay…check), be patient when they hide in their man caves, don’t ask too many questions, and play dumb when they want to pretend they didn’t just insult us, lie to us, or try to use us.

Well, here is what I say...

I want to dress in my flannel PJ's when I want.

I want to dress in my FMPumps and pearls when I want.

The ultimate shoe...FMPump

I want to cut my hair short or grow it long when I want.

I want to soak in hot bubble baths with candle light and listen to Miles Davis when I want.

I want to get dirty going fishing and clean my own fish when I want.
I want to gain 10 lbs and him not notice.

I want to lose 5 lbs and him notice.

The ultimate 'thick girl'.

I want to go without make up when I want.

I want to wear heavy eye make up when I want.

I want to make a mistake and not worry about being considered dumb.

I want to correct him on his mistakes and not worry about making him feel dumb.

Apparently I want it all.

The Ultimate Drama Queen

Have An Open Mind, Will Travel

For a person of little means I have had the great pleasure of traveling and experiencing some extraordinary things, not typical, but extraordinary and certainly special. I thought it would be appropriate to write about them during summer time. The following are most of my unique experiences I have had in my travels thus far...and yes they really did happen.

1. I have checked into a motel under the name of Carol and Mike Brady in Mexico. (The motel pretended like we had reservations too.)
2. I have slept on the floor of an airport in Mexico.
3. I have had champagne served to me while floating off the coast of a nude beach in St. Marteen by a man wearing a bow tie, while I floated in the clear waters.
4. I have had the worst tasting pizza in Kentucky, the best tasting pizza in Philadelphia, the best Sushi in Puerto Rico, the best sweet tea and fried chicken in Munford, Tenn, and the worst tasting mexican food in Cancun.
5. I have gone Moose hunting (okay stalking) with night vision goggles in Alaska at 2 am.

That's Not Me.

6. I have walked the bottom of the ocean in St. Thomas with eels swimming around me.
7. I have had two manatees swim between my legs.
8. I have been 3 feet from a family of brown bears eating breakfast while sitting in the middle of their water in Alaska.
9. I have been stuck and hung off the side of a seaplane while about to take off in Alaska.
10. I have had my picture taken with Cinderella.

That's not me.

11. I have slept at the same hotel Ronald Regan was shot at in Washington D.C.
12. I have been 'towed off' the Frio River via inter tubes with two others.
13. I have gone bear hunting (okay stalking a baby bear) on a golf cart on the Kenai River.
14. I have caught my first salmon on the Kenai River and cleaned my fish at midnight by the sun.
15. I have gone clam digging on the beaches of Alaska and returned to camp to make home made clam chowder.

That's not me.

16. I have seen David Copperfield in Las Vegas.
17. I have stood in front of the Belagio water show waiting for George Clooney to show up.
18. I have prayed with a friend in New Orleans in their oldest church.
19. I have stopped a fight between 1 of my best friends and a prom queen, on prom night, over a janitor at Krystal Burgers in New Orleans off Bourbon Street.
20. I have visited Graceland over 10 times and the last time I was there I corrected the tour guide over the last song Elvis ever sang.

No pics of me on this street available...for a reason.

21. I have been with my uncle when he innocently said to a sales clerk in Disney World, "I have a Buzz, but I really need to get a Woody." (I turned around and walked out. I had not seen Toy Story yet.)
22. I have ridden Space Mountain at midnight on Christmas Morning.
23. I have sung to every Crystal Gayle song with two others on the way to Coushatta.
24. I have swum with a million Tinkerbells in Puerto Rico. This is not an exaggeration, but I just don't remember the scientific name of what I really swam with.
25. I have been to Alcatraz, listened to Santana while driving through the Redwoods, and ate nothing but garlic for dinner in San Francisco.

Nope, not me either.

26. I found my mother's best friend's name on the Vietnam Wall in D.C. and sketched it.
27. I have fed an iguana the rest of my breakfast in Puerto Rico.
28. I saw and played in snow for the first time in Canada at the age of 36.
29. I found my family's name on the Ellis Island wall.
30. I have walked in a court room and sat in on a murder trial in Calgary, Canada just for fun and by accident.

That's not me either.

I know some people have done and travelled farther and to more exotic places, but was it as interesting as my list?

1 Ticket To The Opera, Please

It only took me 43 years to realize I am living in the middle of an Italian Opera...you know one of those exaggerated tragedies. You see my Italian familia has a special way of communicating, but nothing is simple or basic. They turn an every day event into a drama or tragedy...thus you have a live Italian Opera.

This could be why I over analyze everything that is said to me, since I have always had to interpret my own family. Do not get me wrong, I am guilty of one or two insane quotes.

The following are actual quotes from various family members and of course the translation into reality. Please keep in mind my family actually believed what they were saying and sometimes it took family meetings of siblings and/or cousins to interpret what they were talking about. Other times, or after a few years, you just caught on a little more quickly.



Quotes                                                                                    Translation/Reality

"Isn't she sweet?"                                                                    She's cute. Not so pretty.

"Oh, Mother Mary, the dog is                                                The dog is constipated.
dying right here in my living room."

"Oh! She is a little devil."                                                       She's pretty and a smart ass.

"He is so ugly!"                                                                      He won't rub my feet.

"He joined the witness protection program."                          He's dead.

"She is on drugs and BAD!"                                                  She got married to a non-Italian and
                                                                                                moved out of state.

"Mangia! Mangia! What are you? On a diet?"                       Eat! Shut up! Stop talking about yourself.

"What are you goin' to do? Eat your life away?"                    I'm not hungry & you shouldn't be either.

"He's taken a turn for the worse. We have                              They changed his meds.
to go see him today!"

"One of these days you're gonna wake up dead."                   Stop stealing my Valium/prescriptions.

"Whore."                                                                                 She left her husband.

"Well, he just wasn't ready to settle down."                            He left his wife.

"Oh please, they think they are better than us."                       Referring to someone in the family who
                                                                                                 has a good paying career and possibly a
                                                                                                 home of their own.

"The world is crazy! It's not safe anywhere."                          My newspaper was stolen.

"You're going to get a yeast infection!!!"                                 Please take off your bathing suit & hang
                                                                                                 it up.

...to be continued

1985: SPF 8 2012: SPF 40

People love to make teachers feel guilty for their summer vacations.

They shouldn't.
Here's why:

1. Our summers haven't been defined as 3 months for several years as we are required to take classes during the summer and school now begins in mid to early August.

2. Our pay most certainly reflects our days off.

3. We spend our own money on a lot of school supplies.

4. A real teacher's day is never the hours of school. They come way before and stay long after and for a few of us, some unpaid Saturdays.

5. We play mom, dad, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, counselor, therapist, psychic, bank, fashion police, probation officer, school crossing guard, bodyguard, life coach, oh and teacher.

WE DESERVE THESE DAYS OFF...GUILT BE GONE.


 

The Python That Wouldn't Get Out Of The Deep End

There are so many wonderful things about the onset of summer and the signs of it being here.

For example, buying bags of ice is really only a necessity at summer time and this usually means gatherings or parties with friends and family.

The smell of BBQ seeping out of some one's backyard and making you visualize Memorial Day or July 4th with red, white, and blue everywhere...ahhhhh so Americana.

The first whiff of chlorine tells us it's time to get the coppertone and swim suits out.

The swim suits...ugh...


Ladies and gentleman, the dreaded trying of the bathing suits...
For me it is routine to take a water pill, walk the dog a little extra that morning, and not eating before walking in that oh so doomed section called SWIMWEAR...insert dramatic music...





Today, however, I was inspired to write this blog By that department and only because I wasn't shopping in it. Walking by the SWIMWEAR department...insert dramatic music...I noticed in the plus size section a snakeskin bathing suit.



Seriously?!?

How cruel can you be to a plus size woman! It's bad enough trying them on, wearing them in public, and finding the right cover up to compliment you, but now they are made in a material that makes a woman look like the python that just swallowed her dinner whole?!?

Oh summertime you wonderful and yet cruel old friend.

Uhhhhh...No Mam.

No Class, I Am Not A Transvestive

For some time I have kept a log of a few great quotes that I hear in my classroom. Keep in mind I teach 6th, 7th, and 8th grade which ranges from 11-15 year olds. I will not be stating the context in which these one liners came out of, but I will let your imagination return you to middle school, so you can laugh, cry, and even get mad.

There are also some that are going to leave you staring straight ahead and into space from shock, just like I did, because these are the same people who will be running this country one day.

Enjoy...

"Oh wow! Miss L, you're a girl?"

RuPaul not me.

"If a man is married is it Mr or Mrs?"

"Why would I go to a party I was invited to? If I'm invited, then it probably sucks."

"Fool, she ain't white. She Italian."

"How long have your eyes been green?"

"Today is a very good day. We got word that my dad is in jail finally."

"High school is going to be so easy."

It's what we thought too.

"Here's $2 for our swear jar because have I got a story for you and some adjectives can not be replaced."

"All I gotta do is smile at my daddy, and I get new shoes."

"Yeah, we have arranged marriages in our family. Everyone is really worried about my middle sister being returned...she's kind of a dumb ass."

"Hmmm... I guess being a racist works for some people."

"We got to go see my brother this weekend?" (How's he doing?) "About 10-20 in Huntsville."

"Shhh...She must be PMSing. Check out her face. I think that's chocolate on her lip."

I'm not that bad...all the time.

"I met my daddy last night. He just showed up at the front door, and said, 'Boy, I'm your real daddy' and he still didn't have no money on him."

"My dad is too busy working to learn English, and my mom is busy taking care of all those kids to learn it, so I'm the family translator."

"The devil is a lie. I swear. I'll say it again. The devil is a lie."

"Don't bribe a teacher in front of witnesses, fool. Where you from???"

"My mom's in Pakistan for two months. Can you give me her hugs while she's gone?"

"I got no problem in the head."



"If it smells like 'roses', it is not my fault."

"Uh huh I did not lie. I'm from the right hand on the bible kind of family. ."

"I miss middle school. We had it so easy."

Glad I don't teach here.

Dedicated To Two Old Horses

Last week I wrote about the definition, according to LiLu, of a man. This week it seems appropriate to define a woman.

Historically, we have been known as the chick created from a rib, the trouble maker who ate some fruit and didn't listen very well, and of course we are the cause of a few wars, if you believe everything you read.

Well they may be right. I, however, being a woman who likes to eat ribs, but not in public (figure that one out), who has dabbled in the area of forbidden fruit and failed to follow directions accurately, and although I haven't started too many wars, being an Aries I most certainly know how to fight like a warrior either for myself or for another, would like to give my personal definition of not just a woman, but that of a lady.


A lady is one who smiles at you while all along cussing you out in her head because you have "gone too far."

A lady is one who wipes the dirt from their forehead, stands up, cooks dinner for everyone but feeds herself while standing.

A lady is one who knows which is the salad fork and which is the dessert fork, but would prefer being at home, in her favorite t-shirt, reading her best magazine and eating cookie dough with her fingers.


A lady is one who pays her bills, helps her mother pay hers, and still has enough left over to get her nails done.

A lady is one who doesn't beat her children, although they have given her pretty much ever reason to do so, instead she hugs them.

A lady is one who moistorizes the face, neck and chest because the chest wrinkles and shows age, sometimes faster than anything above it.

A lady is from the South and knows what it means when they hear, "She carries an iron fist with a velvet glove" without further explanation.

A lady is a woman who has worked with good ole boys in the "industry" and still has a sense of self and humor.

A lady describes my mother, my godmother, and all those who had a hand in raising me.

Thank you, ladies.
Happy Mother's Day!

Man or Myth

Recently I have been exposed to a lot of father/child relationships for various reasons. Maybe because I am on the path of being a foster/adoptive mother, so God/The Universe/Higher Power has decided I need to see more of the role of a man in a child's life and someday use these observations to make me a better parent. Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much...either way I have decided to define what a man is in my own words.

According to Webster's Dictionary a man is "an individual human belonging to a particular category."

My definition of a man is something like this...
... one who is considered the Sexiest Man Alive (twice) but worries if the dog he wants to adopt will like him




... one who talks about himself to be open and share not because he wants to be the center/topic of all conversations



...one who realizes his karma, shakes his head, and accepts it
... one who is amused by his daughter and doesn't try to make her something he would have dated
...one who is amused by his son and doesn't try to make a duplicate of himself but rather a better version of himself

...one who builds up the people around him with unconditional love, praise, and sincerity





...one who makes time to teach life lessons to others besides his own children.



OR maybe Salt N Pepa had it right all along.

"Coming To America" Meets "I Love Lucy"

Sometimes when different cultures meet there is clash.

Sometimes when different cultures meet there is a spark.
Sometimes when different cultures meet there is a new family created.



Last night I became the Godmother of a beautiful little boy who came into this world to two of the sweetest people I know.
Their love story is one made of Hollywood  movies.

Last Sunday, sitting in the hospital room it was very apparent how much these two people loved each other. I have never seen love "so loud" without a word being said.

Last night, I got to be a part of their family and their traditons at their new son's naming ceremony.
The naming ceremony is a Nigerian tradition where no one but the parents know their child's name until the day of the ceremony. The parents pray on the decision of what to name their child and it's meaning. Tradition was abundant last night and even a little familiar.

With prayers being said in English and Nigerian, songs were sung that we all know like "Amazing Grace". 
Amens flooded the hearts and mouths of all of us.
The clothing worn by family and friends were carefully thought out and detailed with colors and stitching. 
It was a beautiful ceremony with family and friends, even the grandparents who came to town had friends, from their own childhood, visiting.

It was one of the most joyous occasions I have ever witnessed. 

However, the evening was not without a "LiLu Moment".

You see when I get nervous I try to crack jokes to cover up my nervous laugh. It's not that I was nervous, but while sitting in my chair trying to figure out what I was eating at one point, which was delicious, it was suddenly obvious (to me) that I was sitting next to the maternal grandfather, a very stoic, straight posture man with broken English.

Now I can not explain what made me do it, but I started cracking jokes to him.

...Not a smile...
...Not a wink...

...Not even a turn of the head...

Grandfather sat staring straight ahead eating with out even looking at his plate.





I suddenly felt like Lucy without an Ethel.

I shrugged my shoulders, stood up, and went for some more fish at the buffet.

I don't know this for a fact, but I am pretty sure he gave my seat away immediately.

Amen!