Just The 3 Of Us

                                                      Dedicated To My Mother and Grandmother

My strength. 

Happy Mothers Day...

...To the woman who was determined enough to walk away from misery into a life of raising me alone and still having her own career.

...To the woman strong enough to tell me "No".

1 of us is always making a goofy face.

...To the woman just soft enough to spoil me.        

...To the woman tired enough to sleep through my high school parties (Thank ya Lord!).

...To the woman smart enough to teach me to see and treat all people the same. 

...To the woman who is twisted (just enough) to allow me to call her Mommie Dearest ever since the Joan Crawford "No More Wire Hangers!" era arrived. 

See, what I tell ya?

If I have ever loved you, forgiven you, or taught you how to treat others better, then you should tell Mommie Dearest, 

Happy Mother's Day too. 

Where I come from.

Mom,

I have a soft spot for...

... old people.         

 ... babies. 

 ... gray hair

... red lipstick

... shoe shopping

... cooking with fat

... fishing

... dancing

Mom was a cancer survivor for several years & was able to make it to my Teacher of the Year dinner. 

... an occasional cigarette

... speaking my mind

... not being worried about what others think about me

... saying my favorite curse word, sh**

and it's all because of you! 

I miss you, Mom! 

Happy Mother's Day!

My last birthday "celebration" with Mom...PS - She would call me by my first & middle name for posting this picture. 

Ode To An English Rose

Some people say I have commitment issues, because I'm not married yet.
I say they are wrong!

I've been in a "committed relationship" that lasted almost 17 years.
We were together in thick times and in thin times.
They took their bad day out on me and I took mine out on them.
We laughed together, well kind of. We cried together, definitely.

My most recent "committed relationship" has lasted almost 8 years.
It's not the same kind of love and bond as my 17 year "committed relationship" but it's just as good and it has it's own personality.

It takes a lot to be in these "committed relationships."
They are time consuming.
They are tedious.
They also seem to be a lot of me giving and a lot of them taking.

Wellllll...
In hindsight, they gave a lot.


They gave you smelly farts in the middle of laying next to you.

They gave you Eskimo kisses when you weren't looking.

They pawed and put their hands on you when they needed to make contact.

They gave you Catfish lips when you sat or laid next to them.

They gave you jockey run when you would jump out from behind the door to scare them.

They gave you Rodeo Dog when you played 'Christmas Stick' on them.

They gave you long droolies when your dinner smelled much better than theirs.

They gave you excellent cussings when you deserved them and when you did not.

They gave you chattering teeth to tell you, "It's cold in here Damn it!"

They gave you sad puppy dog eyes with their head on your knee when they felt you might not be understanding their immediate needs.

They gave you an alarming bark when evil garage doors opened or dumpster trucks were threatening you with danger.

They gave you bunny chases during their sleep to let you know all was taken care of in dream land.

They let you run around the couch chasing them.

They let you walk under their legs if that was the shortest route.

They let you bite their jowls when they wrestled with you.

They let you get a good face whoopin with their long pointed tale.

They let you know that any bird a minute away was not going to harm you or anyone you loved.

They let you love them...
...and they let you know you were loved back.

For my Cali-Mari...You were the first English I loved. 

I Wonder Wonder Who Wrote The Book of Love.

I wonder why most Science teachers are so religious. Isn’t that a conflict of beliefs?

I wonder why it’s safe for me to get x-rays but the x-ray technicians run and hide behind the walls before pushing the button.

I wonder why stuffed animals are the only toy ‘acceptable’ to love for all ages.

I wonder why so many men have smaller thighs and calves than women…Did the  same creator who made male birds prettier plan this too?

 

Ok. Ok. They're not small but they sure are pretty. 

I wonder why so many of my “Christian” friends stopped hanging out with me when I tried artificial insemination. Are their ovaries too good to hang out with my slow ones?

I wonder how homeless people always have access to cardboard and black permanent markers.

I wonder what it’s like to be the man of the house, to have the weight of the world on your shoulder, to be the official spider killer, official lawn mower, and tire and oil changer.

I wonder what it’s like to be a real woman, to have a human growing inside of you and then come out of you, look at you, and have the nerve to scream.

I wonder if woodpeckers get headaches.  

I wonder what it’s like to wear a bikini & feel the sun on your stomach and lower back.

I wonder what it’s like to be athletic, to perform, run, and stretch your body to the max in front of the others cheering for you & your opponent at the same time. 

               Nike has a line of these type of ads for all the body parts that women love to hate about themselves. 

I wonder what it's like for a man to look at you and say he wants to spend the rest of his life...the... rest... of...his... life... with... you.

I wonder what it's like to look at a man and think...'I want to spend the...rest...of...my...life with him.'

I wonder what completely bald men put as hair color on their driver's license.

Hello Lover!

I wonder what it's like to eat chocolate chip cookie dough and not feel guilty. 

I wonder what my dog thinks when I smell worse than her. "Thatta gurl!"or "You're gross!"

"40" Days and "40" Nights of Lent

For Lent I give up something every year.

Oh don't worry I am not perfect, but I do give up one, sometimes two things, items, habits, etc. for 40 days. 

I've been asked why do I do this and I guess my answer is always, to show Jesus I love him too.
It's easier to sacrifice something for him than for my own good. 

However, this time I want my 40 days to teach me something and maybe another, so I as I go through Lent this year, I am writing about my days as they occur. I will be writing about my days, experiences, lessons learned and/or any epiphany I might have...here we go...

I cant' give up facebook it's my room mate. 

Day 1 of 40 (Ash Wednesday)

I gave up sugar, sweets, and flour for lent. I did this because I love Jesus, and because I feel yucky.

My reflection for day 1 is addictions sneak up on us and our withdrawals make us angry. 

No sugar. No flour today.

Day 2 of 40 (Valentine's Day)
Yep. I still hate Valentine's. 

Day 5 of 40

My "go to foods" are a bad freakin' habit! I'm eating more than I should because I'm trying to feed the hurt, pain, frustration, & sugar free taste I NEED! I've got zits, fever blisters, and carbuncles. I feel like an ogre from a Shakespearean play!  Jesuuuuuus!

This is me...no really. 

Day 6 of 40

A part of lent is self discovery and today I discovered that I learned a lot more from my mother's selfless acts than her lectures or words, so I need to watch my actions & what they are teaching people. 

Day 7 of 40

The urge to eat sugar is getting easier to let go. I think I'm thinking clearer because I see so easily how people will take advantage of your forgiving and kind heart. Oh... and I ate flour. Ooops. 

Day "I don' freaking know" (day 11)

Everyone is eating dessert around me and somehow I'm gaining weight! Jesus, don't let go of me now!

Reflection or thankful moment is...while watching the Academy Awards I am so thankful Barbara Streisand isn't responsible for EVER picking out my accessories. 

No mam!

Day 12 - 

Looking back at last night's Academy Awards Party at my mother's house, I think it is pretty cool that I know women from ages 23 to 65 that can all be in a room and communicate and laugh together. 

Day 15 - 

I don't know about any clarity or reflection crap, but I do know you're never too old to enjoy and laugh out loud at Disney World, never too old to lay your head in your Momma's lap or on her shoulder, and you're never too old to need to be told you are beautiful!

One of the best ways to relax. 

Day 18 -
If I get to wake today that means I get to keep doing what I love & be with who I love. If I don't wake up then I've done all I can do and loved all that I was meant to love. It's a win-win situation. - Miguel Ruiz (What a lovely way to look at life.)

Day 24 -
Being without sugar has cleared my complexion and caused my hair to grow. Cool!!!

Day 26 -
I completely understand why my female dog wants to lunge & grab a bone from another female dog...even when it isn't hers.

It is a metaphor. 

Day 28 -
It may be flattering for a split moment to hear "You're the one that got away", but I would rather hear, "I'm not going to let you get away."

Day 29 -
Having money does make dieting easier...if you've ever dieted you know what I mean.

Day 30 -
I just found out lent is NOT always 40 days and 40 nights! WTH?

Sorry about #30. 

Day 31 -
Every time I see or hear a man rev his engine at a stop light or on the road, I just smile and think, "Oh honey, I'm sorry you can't get it up anymore."

Day 31 PM -
"God save us from good looking men who wear really big turquoise rings." (said to me and I agree.)

Day 32 EPIPHANY -
Live in the moment and be thankful for the ordinary.

Day 34 -
You really can get over someone and lose the butterflies, but you have to face them once again to prove it to yourself rather than keep them as an untouchable memory. (Oh wow...that's deep.)

Day 35 -
Hearing what a great catch I am, yet again, combined with, 'You're going to meet someone who deserves you.' is equivalent to telling someone how good their cooking is and when offered a second serving you reply, 'Dear God, No!'

Day 36 EPIPHANY -
Everyone should allow themselves time to spend the day with their dog and see the world through his/her eyes... like seeing how the smallest events can be exciting (The garbage got picked up! The garbage got picked up!) and the importance of barking (expressing ones self) then napping immediately afterwards. It is a pretty good way to live. I think some people call it retirement.

I wish I could relax like that. 

Day 37 -
Barbara Jordan was a true pioneer

Day 38 -
If the word ATHLETIC can fit across your ass in sweat pants, then there's a really good chance you are NOT athletic. (Why did I buy those sweats???)

Day 39 EPIPHANY - (Palm Sunday)
God puts a drive, a desire, or a passion in each of us to make us do what we need to do and go where it is we need to go. We must all pay attention to it and not ignore it.

There are some sweet faces waiting to be adopted in other countries.

Day 40 -
I'm not sure which is more painful, when someone falls off the pedal stool or when you push their ass off.

Day 43 EPIPHANY - (Maundy Thursday)
When people become consumed with what others think, they become a lot less fun.

Day 44 - (Good Friday)
There's something special when you talk about heaven and life with a parent, something special you didn't realize you were missing out on until it happens.

Day 44 PM - (Good Friday)
Whether you believe in reincarnation, resurrection or just this one life, you must wake up each day Thanking God that you are who you are and all that you have, because no matter what you believe this is the one time you will ever be you.

Day 45 - (Holy Saturday)
It is simple and some kind of wonderful to sit in a room with loved ones, who accept you as you are, talk without judgement, without fear,  and with nothing but love.

Day 46 AM -
I've lost 5 lbs and gone down one dress size. Hmmmm...

Day 46 - Happy Easter!
It is finished. 

Blond Ambition Tour...Oh Wait

Sometimes what you hear is the truth.
Blonds do have more fun!
It is not the reason you think, however.
It is due to the fact that we tend to not realize what is going on around us or figure out things as fast as others.
Ironically, I am considered a very observant person when it comes to people and their behavior, but apparently I do not waste my skills on the small stuff.

For example...

Did you know the movie, "Jack the Giant Slayer" is about Jack and the Beanstalk?
Me either!

Not that booty!

Did you know the song, "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye is about a booty call?
 Me either!

Did you know that sex is not considered an activity on Weight Watchers for earning activity points?
Me either!






Did you know that you're never to touch a black woman's hair & that this is taught early in childhood?
Me either!

Did you know white people have a reputation for loving their dogs abnormally, as in allowing the dogs to sit in our laps?
Me either!

Okay. I can not defend my people anymore!

Did you know when a man looks at you from head to toe and then back from toe to head he is actually letting you know he likes what he sees? That he wants you?
Me either!

Having my gay uncle as a huge influence I always thought that look was a disapproving look that my shoes and outfit did not measure up!

Did you know a woman unmarried without kids in her 20's and 30's is considered the "marrying kind", but a woman in her 40's unmarried without kids is considered "rejected/past her prime"?
Me either!
Oh wait...

Oh F*** That! 

Geez, February...Don't Bogart The Love

                                                               So February is suppose to be all about love...
                                                                                                                                    ...well, I didn't see a lot of it in February, but March seemed to blow up with love all around me, so naturally I'm going to tell you what I think love actually is.









                                           Love is a student telling you thank you for listening.
                                     Love is your best girl-friend crying because you are crying.
                   Love is your best guy-friend having to walk away because he hurts when you cry.

Love is a child's parent thanking you for being a positive influence in their son's life.
Love is thinking someone is beautiful with all their imperfections.
Love is your 64 year old mother wanting to beat someone up because they hurt your feelings.












Love is a little boy's hands hugging your neck.
Love is a little girl's hand wanting to hold yours.
Love is admitting your past to a friend and him hugging you anyway.

                             Love is your dog forgiving you after being gone too long one day.
               Love is what you feel when you know you are following your heart and your calling.
                                              Love is accepting yourself at any shape or size.

$1,331 Something

                             Do you know what $1,331 Something can buy you?

It can buy you 774 rolls of raw cookie dough!
Yeah, baby!


It can buy you round trip air fare from Miami to Hanoi.
 I don't know why anyone would take this trip.

It can pay for one month's rent for a 2 bedroom 1 bath in Chicago, Illinois.

It is the amount you can get off the MSRP of a 2013 Subaru with a 5.94 rate.
Say What?

It can buy you a 46" Sony TV with rear projection.
I don't know about you, but I don't need to spend a dime to project anything on my rear.
It does it for free!

HOWEVER,
It can buy you time to write your blog, your autobiography and time to express yourself.

Thank you, Mommie Dearest and God Mommie Dearest for my early birthday gift.

My first million from my blog/autobiography royalties will go straight to the

 "Old Horses Foundation."