1 Ticket To The Opera, Please

It only took me 43 years to realize I am living in the middle of an Italian Opera...you know one of those exaggerated tragedies. You see my Italian familia has a special way of communicating, but nothing is simple or basic. They turn an every day event into a drama or tragedy...thus you have a live Italian Opera.

This could be why I over analyze everything that is said to me, since I have always had to interpret my own family. Do not get me wrong, I am guilty of one or two insane quotes.

The following are actual quotes from various family members and of course the translation into reality. Please keep in mind my family actually believed what they were saying and sometimes it took family meetings of siblings and/or cousins to interpret what they were talking about. Other times, or after a few years, you just caught on a little more quickly.



Quotes                                                                                    Translation/Reality

"Isn't she sweet?"                                                                    She's cute. Not so pretty.

"Oh, Mother Mary, the dog is                                                The dog is constipated.
dying right here in my living room."

"Oh! She is a little devil."                                                       She's pretty and a smart ass.

"He is so ugly!"                                                                      He won't rub my feet.

"He joined the witness protection program."                          He's dead.

"She is on drugs and BAD!"                                                  She got married to a non-Italian and
                                                                                                moved out of state.

"Mangia! Mangia! What are you? On a diet?"                       Eat! Shut up! Stop talking about yourself.

"What are you goin' to do? Eat your life away?"                    I'm not hungry & you shouldn't be either.

"He's taken a turn for the worse. We have                              They changed his meds.
to go see him today!"

"One of these days you're gonna wake up dead."                   Stop stealing my Valium/prescriptions.

"Whore."                                                                                 She left her husband.

"Well, he just wasn't ready to settle down."                            He left his wife.

"Oh please, they think they are better than us."                       Referring to someone in the family who
                                                                                                 has a good paying career and possibly a
                                                                                                 home of their own.

"The world is crazy! It's not safe anywhere."                          My newspaper was stolen.

"You're going to get a yeast infection!!!"                                 Please take off your bathing suit & hang
                                                                                                 it up.

...to be continued

1985: SPF 8 2012: SPF 40

People love to make teachers feel guilty for their summer vacations.

They shouldn't.
Here's why:

1. Our summers haven't been defined as 3 months for several years as we are required to take classes during the summer and school now begins in mid to early August.

2. Our pay most certainly reflects our days off.

3. We spend our own money on a lot of school supplies.

4. A real teacher's day is never the hours of school. They come way before and stay long after and for a few of us, some unpaid Saturdays.

5. We play mom, dad, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, counselor, therapist, psychic, bank, fashion police, probation officer, school crossing guard, bodyguard, life coach, oh and teacher.

WE DESERVE THESE DAYS OFF...GUILT BE GONE.


 

The Python That Wouldn't Get Out Of The Deep End

There are so many wonderful things about the onset of summer and the signs of it being here.

For example, buying bags of ice is really only a necessity at summer time and this usually means gatherings or parties with friends and family.

The smell of BBQ seeping out of some one's backyard and making you visualize Memorial Day or July 4th with red, white, and blue everywhere...ahhhhh so Americana.

The first whiff of chlorine tells us it's time to get the coppertone and swim suits out.

The swim suits...ugh...


Ladies and gentleman, the dreaded trying of the bathing suits...
For me it is routine to take a water pill, walk the dog a little extra that morning, and not eating before walking in that oh so doomed section called SWIMWEAR...insert dramatic music...





Today, however, I was inspired to write this blog By that department and only because I wasn't shopping in it. Walking by the SWIMWEAR department...insert dramatic music...I noticed in the plus size section a snakeskin bathing suit.



Seriously?!?

How cruel can you be to a plus size woman! It's bad enough trying them on, wearing them in public, and finding the right cover up to compliment you, but now they are made in a material that makes a woman look like the python that just swallowed her dinner whole?!?

Oh summertime you wonderful and yet cruel old friend.

Uhhhhh...No Mam.

No Class, I Am Not A Transvestive

For some time I have kept a log of a few great quotes that I hear in my classroom. Keep in mind I teach 6th, 7th, and 8th grade which ranges from 11-15 year olds. I will not be stating the context in which these one liners came out of, but I will let your imagination return you to middle school, so you can laugh, cry, and even get mad.

There are also some that are going to leave you staring straight ahead and into space from shock, just like I did, because these are the same people who will be running this country one day.

Enjoy...

"Oh wow! Miss L, you're a girl?"

RuPaul not me.

"If a man is married is it Mr or Mrs?"

"Why would I go to a party I was invited to? If I'm invited, then it probably sucks."

"Fool, she ain't white. She Italian."

"How long have your eyes been green?"

"Today is a very good day. We got word that my dad is in jail finally."

"High school is going to be so easy."

It's what we thought too.

"Here's $2 for our swear jar because have I got a story for you and some adjectives can not be replaced."

"All I gotta do is smile at my daddy, and I get new shoes."

"Yeah, we have arranged marriages in our family. Everyone is really worried about my middle sister being returned...she's kind of a dumb ass."

"Hmmm... I guess being a racist works for some people."

"We got to go see my brother this weekend?" (How's he doing?) "About 10-20 in Huntsville."

"Shhh...She must be PMSing. Check out her face. I think that's chocolate on her lip."

I'm not that bad...all the time.

"I met my daddy last night. He just showed up at the front door, and said, 'Boy, I'm your real daddy' and he still didn't have no money on him."

"My dad is too busy working to learn English, and my mom is busy taking care of all those kids to learn it, so I'm the family translator."

"The devil is a lie. I swear. I'll say it again. The devil is a lie."

"Don't bribe a teacher in front of witnesses, fool. Where you from???"

"My mom's in Pakistan for two months. Can you give me her hugs while she's gone?"

"I got no problem in the head."



"If it smells like 'roses', it is not my fault."

"Uh huh I did not lie. I'm from the right hand on the bible kind of family. ."

"I miss middle school. We had it so easy."

Glad I don't teach here.

Dedicated To Two Old Horses

Last week I wrote about the definition, according to LiLu, of a man. This week it seems appropriate to define a woman.

Historically, we have been known as the chick created from a rib, the trouble maker who ate some fruit and didn't listen very well, and of course we are the cause of a few wars, if you believe everything you read.

Well they may be right. I, however, being a woman who likes to eat ribs, but not in public (figure that one out), who has dabbled in the area of forbidden fruit and failed to follow directions accurately, and although I haven't started too many wars, being an Aries I most certainly know how to fight like a warrior either for myself or for another, would like to give my personal definition of not just a woman, but that of a lady.


A lady is one who smiles at you while all along cussing you out in her head because you have "gone too far."

A lady is one who wipes the dirt from their forehead, stands up, cooks dinner for everyone but feeds herself while standing.

A lady is one who knows which is the salad fork and which is the dessert fork, but would prefer being at home, in her favorite t-shirt, reading her best magazine and eating cookie dough with her fingers.


A lady is one who pays her bills, helps her mother pay hers, and still has enough left over to get her nails done.

A lady is one who doesn't beat her children, although they have given her pretty much ever reason to do so, instead she hugs them.

A lady is one who moistorizes the face, neck and chest because the chest wrinkles and shows age, sometimes faster than anything above it.

A lady is from the South and knows what it means when they hear, "She carries an iron fist with a velvet glove" without further explanation.

A lady is a woman who has worked with good ole boys in the "industry" and still has a sense of self and humor.

A lady describes my mother, my godmother, and all those who had a hand in raising me.

Thank you, ladies.
Happy Mother's Day!

Man or Myth

Recently I have been exposed to a lot of father/child relationships for various reasons. Maybe because I am on the path of being a foster/adoptive mother, so God/The Universe/Higher Power has decided I need to see more of the role of a man in a child's life and someday use these observations to make me a better parent. Or maybe I'm just reading into it too much...either way I have decided to define what a man is in my own words.

According to Webster's Dictionary a man is "an individual human belonging to a particular category."

My definition of a man is something like this...
... one who is considered the Sexiest Man Alive (twice) but worries if the dog he wants to adopt will like him




... one who talks about himself to be open and share not because he wants to be the center/topic of all conversations



...one who realizes his karma, shakes his head, and accepts it
... one who is amused by his daughter and doesn't try to make her something he would have dated
...one who is amused by his son and doesn't try to make a duplicate of himself but rather a better version of himself

...one who builds up the people around him with unconditional love, praise, and sincerity





...one who makes time to teach life lessons to others besides his own children.



OR maybe Salt N Pepa had it right all along.

"Coming To America" Meets "I Love Lucy"

Sometimes when different cultures meet there is clash.

Sometimes when different cultures meet there is a spark.
Sometimes when different cultures meet there is a new family created.



Last night I became the Godmother of a beautiful little boy who came into this world to two of the sweetest people I know.
Their love story is one made of Hollywood  movies.

Last Sunday, sitting in the hospital room it was very apparent how much these two people loved each other. I have never seen love "so loud" without a word being said.

Last night, I got to be a part of their family and their traditons at their new son's naming ceremony.
The naming ceremony is a Nigerian tradition where no one but the parents know their child's name until the day of the ceremony. The parents pray on the decision of what to name their child and it's meaning. Tradition was abundant last night and even a little familiar.

With prayers being said in English and Nigerian, songs were sung that we all know like "Amazing Grace". 
Amens flooded the hearts and mouths of all of us.
The clothing worn by family and friends were carefully thought out and detailed with colors and stitching. 
It was a beautiful ceremony with family and friends, even the grandparents who came to town had friends, from their own childhood, visiting.

It was one of the most joyous occasions I have ever witnessed. 

However, the evening was not without a "LiLu Moment".

You see when I get nervous I try to crack jokes to cover up my nervous laugh. It's not that I was nervous, but while sitting in my chair trying to figure out what I was eating at one point, which was delicious, it was suddenly obvious (to me) that I was sitting next to the maternal grandfather, a very stoic, straight posture man with broken English.

Now I can not explain what made me do it, but I started cracking jokes to him.

...Not a smile...
...Not a wink...

...Not even a turn of the head...

Grandfather sat staring straight ahead eating with out even looking at his plate.





I suddenly felt like Lucy without an Ethel.

I shrugged my shoulders, stood up, and went for some more fish at the buffet.

I don't know this for a fact, but I am pretty sure he gave my seat away immediately.

Amen!