For Your Approval...Oh Wait...That Can't Be The Title

Recently, I have decided that I don't need the approval of others. For those who have known me for longer than a minute, you can stop laughing now. I know you are all thinking to yourself, "When have you ever waited for any one's approval?"  Please understand that just because I've always wanted some one's approval doesn't mean it has stopped me from living my life, because it hasn't. It has made me a different kind of woman though.  In reality, I have always wanted the approval of certain family members and a few friends.

The desire for their approval, however has "trained" me from childhood to adulthood that I should try extra hard to be ready to please others when they call on me. It has molded my heart to forgive extra easily and not confront those uncomfortable conversations (i.e. pretend there are no problems between us) or the fact that they won't speak to me for weeks, months, or years at a time, at least until it is beneficial for them.

...And then it dawned on me during this month of Breast Cancer awareness, that what if I really did get sick and die from cancer like the stories you sometimes hear?
What if I went missing like one of those women on Nancy Grace? (Fortunately, it pays to be a thick girl, we are harder to knock out and carry away.)
What would these people say or do if I were to really disappear?
How would they answer the media's questions?
What would they say at my memorial service once my ashes were poured out of a helicopter over Disney World? (Yes, you read that right.)

I'll tell you what they shouldn't say.

They shouldn't say they would miss me.
They have been acting like I've been missing for weeks and months already.

They shouldn't say they took care of me during my months of illness.
They have treated my like I have had leprosy for weeks and months already.

They shouldn't say they loved me and will never forget me.
They have been acting like they had amnesia for weeks and months already.

So why then do I stress over people and tippy toe, stop laughing, over how I can please them?
How can I get them to realize my feelings hurt like theirs, or how can I earn their love?

Oh wait.

They are my family.
I don't have to earn it.

They are my friends.
I've earned it.

So in honor of the month that battles cancer, I am going to get rid of another kind of disease/cancer.

It is called, "Your Approval".

It is spiritually and mentally deadly!
It consumes happiness.
It causes stress which causes weight gain and sleepless nights.
It causes headaches.
It causes heartache.
It causes guilt, and we all know guilt causes false relationships.

Looks like a clean bill of health for this girl!

*I am dedicating this blog to my grandmother, Inez, and my Uncle Dan who both lost their battle to different forms of cancer and cancer related diseases. They were strong through their cancer battles, and I'm pretty sure they never suffered from "Your Approval."

I Have All I Need

1. I have too much meat on my bones.
    It shakes, rattles, and rolls.



2.  I don't have too much meat in the bank.
     It just rattles.



3.  I have too much love in my heart.
     It pours out too fast.



4.  I have too much faith.
     It makes me sound crazy.

     I have too little faith.
     It's lack makes me sound crazy.



5.  I have very little family left.
     It makes me question time.



6.  I have a handful of good friends.
     It's their support that keeps me strong.



7.  I have too much empathy.
     It makes me vulnerable.


8.  I have too much compassion.
     It makes me appear foolish.



9.  I have too much testosterone.
     It makes me have thin hair.



10. I have too much energy.
      It makes me look busy.



11. I have too many opinions.
      It gets me in trouble.



12. I have too many creaks in my bones.
      It makes it hard to shake, rattle, and roll.



In the end I have all I need:

1.  Food to get fat on
2.  Bank account to hold money in (Once in awhile)
3.  Memories of being loved and loving
4.  God who takes me when I come and go
5.  Family ties
6.  Friendships
7.  Experience that resulted in new understandings
8.  Experience that resulted in new lessons
9.  A sex drive
10. Caffeine
11. A mind of my own
12. A body that still moves

 

What Do I Know?

When they don't say love is why they are staying married but you are waiting to hear that is the reason, and as a single female in her 40's I have to wonder...

When they say, "I'm staying married because of my kids."
When they say, "I'm staying married because of my promise to God."

If God is love, and love is what makes the world go round and love is what you show your kids, then shouldn't love be in the home that you raise those kids in until they are ready to go out into the world that goes around?

Shouldn't you stay married because you love someone?
Shouldn't you love someone you are married to and therefore you are honoring God?

If you are still in love with the person you have kids with, shouldn't anything you want to do for your kids come out of that as you will show them what respect and love actually are?

But....what do I know?

We Stereotype Only The Finest & Brightest

Labor Day weekend came with a few labor pains alright. Actually, Sunday was a wonderful dinner at my brother and sister in laws house. My brother cooked all day to make a great traditional spaghetti dinner with meatballs, Italian sausage, boiled eggs, and all made from scratch. 

Seventeen of us sat around talking about books, recipes, childhood memories from the older generation, and oohed and aahhed over my 3-month-old niece. And then that dreaded question came towards me like a punch in the face, "Why don't you have one of these?"

Instead of hiding, I answered very bluntly, "I can't." Then the next question, "Why not?" "Well because that's how God made me." My cousin, lets call her Veronica, adds to the conversation and says I should have called her because she knows how Vitamin E works. Keep in mind, she has never been married or had a child, but she is well read. I continued to tell those sitting around about my past two years in a minute or less paraphrase. My sweet, 89 pound and 88-year-old Aunt, tells me "Well if a baby pees on you then you'll get pregnant."

Oh is that all I'm missing? I have tried everything else, why not this.

 My Aunt then continues by telling me I should get a midget to donate his sperm because, "Those midgets and little people are so durn cute. It's like they never grow up." 

Uhhhhh. No, I think I’ll pass. No offense to the little people.

Then, not to be out done by her mother, my cousin, Veronica who is in her early 50's, suggest that I adopt a baby from India because "our family could use a good cardiologist someday or a Chinese baby they are so durn smart too." Then my aunt volleyed back with, "Oh what if you adopted a Chinese midget. Now that would be a smart and adorable child." 

That's right folks, you have read this correctly. Nothing gets past my family. They know ethnic groups so well they can pick out their own cardiologist. 

Happy Labor Day! 

Two Mothers Two Daughters

We are all born with gifts. All of us. Some gifts are not what you would consider favorable ones. I have been gifted with infertility. That was a difficult statement to make but when you reach a level of acceptance you have to take the next step and claim it. You see without this gift I may not have ever known or appreciated the amazing relationship between a mother and daughter.

This past Saturday I was able to see this type of relationship at it's finest. As my aunt lay in her home close to passing away I was able to stand in her bedroom next to my mother and hold her hand. On the other side my mother held my aunt's hand and my cousin held hers. It was a moment that lasted for quite awhile.  It was just the four of us in that room and no one was speaking. It was so peaceful.

It was a powerful circle of brave, forgiving, and strong women. This circle of two mothers and two daughters held an empowering feeling of love, happiness and sadness. I was so very blessed to be part of that circle. My aunt was the fourth woman in our family in the past five years to leave this earth. I was able to utilize another special gift God had granted me and that was having a special day of goodbyes with each of them. Some people may not consider this a blessing or gift but not everyone has been made strong to have these goodbyes. However, I come from a long line of strong women who taught me how to be stronger with each hello and with each goodbye.

Dedicated to my Aunt Elizabeth.

Is Heaven Deaf?

Last month marked the 3rd year of my baby journey. For 3 years I have tried to get pregnant and/or begin the foster to adopt process and as of today all I have to show for it is...

1.) Left over vials of hormonal injections in my closet
2.) An empty savings account
3.) A former address of the home I once owned
4.) Cashed in favors for people
5.) A list of my body weight that would put Duncan's finest Yo Yo to shame
6.) Receipts from vitamin stores, acupuncturist, and massage therapist
7.) A library of any type of pregnancy, fertility or how to adopt book
8.) A list of a few men who were willing to try to get me pregnant & those who were terrified I would be

What are friends for?

...but no baby. Not yet.

This week I am scheduled to attend yet another two hour "How To Begin" meeting for those who want to adopt. 
I'm dreading it. 
I'm dreading going to see people sitting with their partners while I sit alone hearing all the things I need to get or do. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I'm having to start from scratch, and I understand the importance of the positive attitude  on this trek, and yet I'm still afraid. I believe faking it until you make it, but I'm tired. 
I'm tired of looking at the empty second bedroom, running across the outfits I bought 3 years ago in the back of the closet, or still receiving 'Parent' magazine in the mail no matter how many times I've moved. I'm tired of dreading baby showers.
I'm tired of praying because I'm almost convinced Heaven is deaf.

AND THEN...

I get a message from a young woman who lives in California.  Let's call her "Lily". Lily was a student of mine beginning her 6th grade year and my first year to teach middle school. To make a long story short (and respectful), Lily wrote in her journal, on a Friday morning, about going home to end her life, and I just so happened to read her journal before the school day ended. I rushed to find a counselor to stop Lily from getting on her school bus. 
Lily did not end her life that day. 
Today she is a mentor to Athletes at San Diego State and is currently working on her Master's degree.

San Diego State University

Since that Friday many, many years ago our lives have passed a few times randomly...once I went to see someone graduate from high school and there was Lily, it was her high school graduation too. She was in the top of her class. Our paths ran across each other again on Facebook, then on LinkedIn, and today it happened again.

 I get a message on my phone that says the following:

Watching Freedom Writers and can't help but think of you. I know I have told you multiple times but I can't thank you enough for the positive impact you made on my life. You have been such a driving force and positive reminder that I am strong enough to get through any situation this crazy world may throw my way. I can only hope that my kids and nieces and nephews will have such an inspiration in their life. Someone who is so passionate and carrying and loving to show them the way. Thank you for everything that you do love and miss you! Have a wonderful day.

A movie I still have not watched.

I'm not really sure if I'm meant to be a parent to just one child. I'm not sure if I'm meant to foster many in my home as I do in my class. I'm not sure I'm meant to adopt either. What I do know is I have loved and I am loved. I know I have parented many that went on their own way and I have many left to parent in the future. I know what it feels like to be proud of someone young.

And I now know Heaven isn't deaf. 

10 Signs You're Getting Older

  1.  You look down at your skin and it belongs to your great aunt.

  2.  You start to open your mouth to defend yourself against lies but you stop and think,  "F*** it. Why    bother?"

  3.  You realize you have to respect someone to sleep with them.

I toooootally respect him. 

  4.  You don't mind telling people how tired you are.

  5.   You call other females, "Cute or Pretty" instead of "Skinny Bitch".

  6.   You realize that you have a 'better' side when it comes to taking pictures.

  7.   You hear you using your mother's words on your mother.

  8.   You go in public with less and less make up.

  9.   You would rather have peace of mind than pesos.

10.    You find being right is more important than anything else so people will still find you worthy.