Are You Awake Yet?

I believe there are moments and events in our lives that scare us so much that we literally get stopped in our tracks and stop living. That is called fear. It is those same moments and events that can shake us so that we are suddenly awaken. That is called faith. That is also called living. No, you do not need a longhaired dude that looks like he is a hippy out of Berkley from the 1960's nor do you need a vision of a cute bald big belly dude to have faith.

Faith is what you personally believe in so much that it; he, she, etc. carry you to your highest moments. They can either shake you or tap you on the shoulder, but if you believe in them deeply enough they will guide you. They will protect you.  They will be your best friends that you talk to through out the day. They will give you peace, forgiveness, and love like no other. They may even help define you.

I always thought of myself as an open-minded person. Now, I am open. I am awake. I have wasted many moments and days on waiting for joy. I am now under the influence of joy. I am no longer waiting for joy to come to me, but I am looking for how I should bring joy...how to share joy.  It is my job now to see that not everything is diseased, happening to me, or about me. It is my job to look inward and see how amazing every moment has been, is being, and will be. 

Like Mark Nepo says, "To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken. I was broken and I certainly needed all those that weren't broken to help me."

For a brief moment life can be scary, but just like coming up the hill that follows that first drop on a roller coast, you catch your breath, you feel the wind on your face, you smile, and you get ready for that next drop, and you smile again.  Just make sure you are awake, so you don't miss the ride. 

Don't have something if you don't plan on keeping it

I've been diagnosed with Stage IIa breast cancer, but I don't have it!
I have faith.

I've been diagnosed.
I have love all around me.

I've been diagnosed.
I have friends and family.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a sense of humor.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a home, car, and a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a career.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a great life today, tomorrow, and for a long time to come.

Bubble Gum Pink or Mauve

Why booby pink?

Why is the breast cancer awareness color pink?

Is it for the mental connection to the average white woman's breast color?

Is is because pink is a symbol for femininity?

Is it because that is the color of our noses after we've been crying when we first find that lump?

Is it because that is the color of our cheeks after we have been wearing nothing but a thin gown in a 68-degree room?

Is it because we are supposed to be cheered up by the color after a dreadful experience, at least for some?

Is it because it is the same color of the walls in solitary confinement in prisons to calm down the prisoners, and it should have the same effect on us in the doctor's office?

Why not purple?

For Your Approval...Oh Wait...That Can't Be The Title

Recently, I have decided that I don't need the approval of others. For those who have known me for longer than a minute, you can stop laughing now. I know you are all thinking to yourself, "When have you ever waited for any one's approval?"  Please understand that just because I've always wanted some one's approval doesn't mean it has stopped me from living my life, because it hasn't. It has made me a different kind of woman though.  In reality, I have always wanted the approval of certain family members and a few friends.

The desire for their approval, however has "trained" me from childhood to adulthood that I should try extra hard to be ready to please others when they call on me. It has molded my heart to forgive extra easily and not confront those uncomfortable conversations (i.e. pretend there are no problems between us) or the fact that they won't speak to me for weeks, months, or years at a time, at least until it is beneficial for them.

...And then it dawned on me during this month of Breast Cancer awareness, that what if I really did get sick and die from cancer like the stories you sometimes hear?
What if I went missing like one of those women on Nancy Grace? (Fortunately, it pays to be a thick girl, we are harder to knock out and carry away.)
What would these people say or do if I were to really disappear?
How would they answer the media's questions?
What would they say at my memorial service once my ashes were poured out of a helicopter over Disney World? (Yes, you read that right.)

I'll tell you what they shouldn't say.

They shouldn't say they would miss me.
They have been acting like I've been missing for weeks and months already.

They shouldn't say they took care of me during my months of illness.
They have treated my like I have had leprosy for weeks and months already.

They shouldn't say they loved me and will never forget me.
They have been acting like they had amnesia for weeks and months already.

So why then do I stress over people and tippy toe, stop laughing, over how I can please them?
How can I get them to realize my feelings hurt like theirs, or how can I earn their love?

Oh wait.

They are my family.
I don't have to earn it.

They are my friends.
I've earned it.

So in honor of the month that battles cancer, I am going to get rid of another kind of disease/cancer.

It is called, "Your Approval".

It is spiritually and mentally deadly!
It consumes happiness.
It causes stress which causes weight gain and sleepless nights.
It causes headaches.
It causes heartache.
It causes guilt, and we all know guilt causes false relationships.

Looks like a clean bill of health for this girl!

*I am dedicating this blog to my grandmother, Inez, and my Uncle Dan who both lost their battle to different forms of cancer and cancer related diseases. They were strong through their cancer battles, and I'm pretty sure they never suffered from "Your Approval."

I Have All I Need

1. I have too much meat on my bones.
    It shakes, rattles, and rolls.



2.  I don't have too much meat in the bank.
     It just rattles.



3.  I have too much love in my heart.
     It pours out too fast.



4.  I have too much faith.
     It makes me sound crazy.

     I have too little faith.
     It's lack makes me sound crazy.



5.  I have very little family left.
     It makes me question time.



6.  I have a handful of good friends.
     It's their support that keeps me strong.



7.  I have too much empathy.
     It makes me vulnerable.


8.  I have too much compassion.
     It makes me appear foolish.



9.  I have too much testosterone.
     It makes me have thin hair.



10. I have too much energy.
      It makes me look busy.



11. I have too many opinions.
      It gets me in trouble.



12. I have too many creaks in my bones.
      It makes it hard to shake, rattle, and roll.



In the end I have all I need:

1.  Food to get fat on
2.  Bank account to hold money in (Once in awhile)
3.  Memories of being loved and loving
4.  God who takes me when I come and go
5.  Family ties
6.  Friendships
7.  Experience that resulted in new understandings
8.  Experience that resulted in new lessons
9.  A sex drive
10. Caffeine
11. A mind of my own
12. A body that still moves

 

What Do I Know?

When they don't say love is why they are staying married but you are waiting to hear that is the reason, and as a single female in her 40's I have to wonder...

When they say, "I'm staying married because of my kids."
When they say, "I'm staying married because of my promise to God."

If God is love, and love is what makes the world go round and love is what you show your kids, then shouldn't love be in the home that you raise those kids in until they are ready to go out into the world that goes around?

Shouldn't you stay married because you love someone?
Shouldn't you love someone you are married to and therefore you are honoring God?

If you are still in love with the person you have kids with, shouldn't anything you want to do for your kids come out of that as you will show them what respect and love actually are?

But....what do I know?

We Stereotype Only The Finest & Brightest

Labor Day weekend came with a few labor pains alright. Actually, Sunday was a wonderful dinner at my brother and sister in laws house. My brother cooked all day to make a great traditional spaghetti dinner with meatballs, Italian sausage, boiled eggs, and all made from scratch. 

Seventeen of us sat around talking about books, recipes, childhood memories from the older generation, and oohed and aahhed over my 3-month-old niece. And then that dreaded question came towards me like a punch in the face, "Why don't you have one of these?"

Instead of hiding, I answered very bluntly, "I can't." Then the next question, "Why not?" "Well because that's how God made me." My cousin, lets call her Veronica, adds to the conversation and says I should have called her because she knows how Vitamin E works. Keep in mind, she has never been married or had a child, but she is well read. I continued to tell those sitting around about my past two years in a minute or less paraphrase. My sweet, 89 pound and 88-year-old Aunt, tells me "Well if a baby pees on you then you'll get pregnant."

Oh is that all I'm missing? I have tried everything else, why not this.

 My Aunt then continues by telling me I should get a midget to donate his sperm because, "Those midgets and little people are so durn cute. It's like they never grow up." 

Uhhhhh. No, I think I’ll pass. No offense to the little people.

Then, not to be out done by her mother, my cousin, Veronica who is in her early 50's, suggest that I adopt a baby from India because "our family could use a good cardiologist someday or a Chinese baby they are so durn smart too." Then my aunt volleyed back with, "Oh what if you adopted a Chinese midget. Now that would be a smart and adorable child." 

That's right folks, you have read this correctly. Nothing gets past my family. They know ethnic groups so well they can pick out their own cardiologist. 

Happy Labor Day!