Finish What Ya' Started

I always like to reflect on my year around this time. I don't know why, it just happens all the time around this week every year. Weird. Right?*
Well I'm in denial of a lot, including most of this year, so I thought I would reflect on it by posting a list of the draft titles that I have sitting in my files for blogging. These are the titles of blogs that I began and never finished. Should I say I have not finished yet? Let your imagination wonder and enjoy what they could have led to.

*Happy New To Do List To You All!

1.    Dear God, It's Not Margaret, It's Me
2.    And An Extra One To Grow On
3.    Seriously?
4.    God is love and law
5.    If I'm Going To Be Posting
6.    I Hope It Never Comes To Publishing This One
7.    There Is Nothing To Prove
8.    It's The Thankful Month
9.    Good Morning Class of 2014
10.  The End?
11.  Coming Out
12.  Saying Goodbye
13.  Love and Marriage
14.  Being Vulnerable
15.  I Don't Know What
16.  Lessons From A Con
17.  Don't Chase Me I'll Chase You...Scratch That
18.  You Know What?
19.  I'm About To Piss You Off
20.  The Life I Would Love To Live
21.  To Whom It May Concern

I would love to blame alcohol & busy travels for my unfinished work, but there's really no reason. 

Inspired By My Pile of Holiday Spending Receipts

I think I'm going to throw myself a shower...not because I'm getting married and not because I'm having a child, but because I have lived 45 years and spent a lot of money on other people's showers, birthdays and holidays for couples and families. 

One person's income covering gifts for several families of two or more adds up to a lot of cha-ching for the last, let's say 25 years. I think I should get a party thrown for me for not being married and not having a kid, but just for being me. I think I will call it, "I'm Still Alive and You've Only Had To Buy For Me This Entire Time Shower." 

I am going to register at the following stores, so keep your eyes posted for the E-Vite:

Jimmy Choo 
Z Gallerie 
Apple Store

VIctoria's  Secret

Nordstrom's 

Any spa in the USA

Ladies and Gentleman, Jimmy Choo Shoes! 

I'm Mad Too, Eddie!

I have no idea who Eddie is or what this is about, but I remember seeing it as a bumper sticker on cars when I was a little girl, and it sums up how I am feeling today. I'm mad! I don't know the specific reason, but I'm mad!


I'm mad because my clothes are tight.
I'm mad because my hair is Puerto Rican blond, and I'm not Puerto Rican!

I'm mad because stupid people are richer than me.
I'm mad because I feel stupid today.

I'm mad because now every time I feel a lump or a bump anywhere on my body I assume it is cancer.
I'm mad because some day it could be cancer, again.

I'm mad because my mother's dog is a pain in the butt.
I'm mad because our dogs are getting old.

I'm mad because I don't always have the answer.
I'm mad that I'm wearing shorts on December 15th.

I'm mad because people are mean.
I'm mad because when I'm mean I can't live with myself.



I'm not here for answers. I'm not here to apologize or hear anyone else's apology. I'm just venting. I'm just expressing myself without trying to find any answers, because let's face it some days there are just no right answers.

Right, Eddie?

Soul Mates and Sisters

I love my soul mates.

They turned out a lot different from what I ever expected. 

Two or three are blonds. 

One or two are red heads.

One is Swedish-American.

One is Mexican-American.

One is African-American.

A few are your typical European-Americans.

The others have no idea their background which makes them just as charming because they know they're from Arkansas, Tennessee, and California. 

As a young girl I always thought that there was ONE soul mate for me, and he was amazing and my version of Prince Charming. 

Then I grew up. 

When you grow up with a few special friends you never realize how much they are a part of you, until you reflect on life.

Your deepest darkest secrets are intertwined with them as teenagers. 

Your bad decisions as a 20 something year old are comforted by their mistakes too.

Your self-identity as a 30 something year old is embraced by long talks with them.

Your survival skills as a 40 something year old are supported by their tears and laughter with you.

Your "I don't give a f***s" as a  50/60 something year old are celebrated by all of the above.

Your heartbreaks are glued back together by them over wine, dinner, and, one of my favorite emotional experiences, laughing through the tears. 

Your heart aches for them in return. 

They challenge you. 

They defy you.

They piss you off.  

They love you. 

They leave you. 

They return to you. 

And they always accept you. 

Thank you to all of my soul mates also known as my sisters for the greatest love affair of all, for each of you are my soul mate in one way or another. 

Prince Charming, I know you are still out there, and you will be a wonderful and additional extra in our silly book, called...

Are We Sure This Is My Life?

I'm The Kramer of Pink Ribbons (Seinfeld Reference)

Dear World,

I just want you to know I love you and appreciate you, as I appreciate every person's right to an opinion and their ways of expressing themselves. With that said, please do not approach me via email, text, Instagram or Facebook with any hype on the pink ribbon events coming up in October.

Yes, I am a woman who was diagnosed last November with breast cancer, and had pink ribbons thrown down her throat.  Long before the diagnosis, and since the pink ribbon campaign came out, I thought it was sweet, but I never bought in to it for some reason, call it insight.  I call it my subconscious mind knowing better all along.  

It is true that since the pink ribbon campaign mammograms have increased hugely, which is awesome, but what they don't tell you is roughly 18.8% of the money taken in each year by the SGK Foundation goes towards research, the rest of the money goes towards paying the big wigs' salaries and promotional events. They don't tell you companies, like Estee Lauder, who campaign pink ribbons have cancer-causing ingredients in their product.  I'm not hear to bash the foundation, because there are documentaries and your own time for research to discover all of that. I'm here to say, keep all your pink, because I prefer purple, not because purple represents anything it just makes me happy.

Yes, I kicked breast cancer's ass. I don't even like the word survivor. I prefer ass kicker, because I picture someone fighting, winning, and wiping off his or her shoulders and not looking back.  I am still doing what my heart called me to do to fight it, with my new lifestyle, attitude, nutrition, and holistic journey. My journey is not your journey and vice versa, therefore I respect any choice that is made to be healthy and alive.

I'm not asking you to agree or disagree with me, because I'm simply a woman who does not believe in the Pink Ribbon hype. I have researched for a year, the various causes of breast cancer (by the way the diagnosis I received was due to fertility drugs and being misdiagnosed for over a year). I've researched ways to prevent it, ways to keep it away, ways to fight it, and ways to love life. I wish you all the best, but please keep your pink ribbons, UNLESS George Clooney wants me to wear one (and nothing else) to his bachelor party, then I will rethink this whole thing.

Thank you,

Your
 Purple Loving Ass Kicking George Clooney Stalking Blogger  Extraordinaire

Top 10 Reasons Why Working For Yourself Is Great

I recently changed careers from teaching to being a Parent and Teen Life Coach, which means I am my own boss, and my name is my business. I love what I do, and recently I've discovered some of the perks, and here they are:

1.   I work the hours I choose.
2.   The boss likes my ideas.
3.   Going to work without a bra is an option and it's not even a political statement of any kind.
4.   The office is adorable, feminine, and comfortable.
5.   The boss lets me bring my kid to work every day.

My kid. 

6.   Sexual harassment is awkward and funny now.
7.   My work week is only 4 days a week.
8.   I'm never late to work.
9.   Painting my nails in the office is not offensive to anyone.
10. When the boss is being a bitch, it's OK now.

Dear Robin

Dear Mr. Williams, scratch that I feel like you are family.

Dear Robin,

I just want you to know how much you will be missed. I know you thought you needed to go, but so many hearts are broken.

You see every time I watch you in ‘Birdcage’ I feel like I’m watching my Uncle Dan and seeing you in this role always made me feel like he was with me.

And every time I see a rerun of ‘Mork and Mindy’ I’m reminded of how free I felt as a kid who could laugh out loud because that was the part of my childhood that was the most freeing. My mom had just kicked my abusive father out, and her and I were not being mistreated or controlled anymore.

Your Comic Relief shows with Whoopi and Billy were part of my early years as an adult, and I loved seeing and being validated with knowing others, like you, thought the same way so many of us young adults did with topics no one wanted to address.

Your role in ‘Dead Poets Society’ made me a better educator and a new found love for passion and poetry. You made us laugh; shake our heads, and even cry.

You brought my family together to see you in more movies than I can count. We actually had family outings to see your new releases from ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ to ‘Hook’ and of course ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’.  We loved you. We love you.

Yesterday when I heard the news I was completely devastated because losing you was losing more family.  Losing you was losing laughter and a sliver of hope. You reached everyone in my family from my grandmother to the youngest. I’m sorry you were hurting so badly on the inside that no one could help.  It’s dark there. I know.  

I have kept from posting along with my friends on social media, because there are no words. I do not know what to say but we love you, thank you for the laughter, for the family memories, and for being brave as long as you were. 

Lisa 

Angels

Angels do not wear just white, in fact the ones I know seldom wear white.
They do not have a soft light that glows around them to flatter their wrinkles or freckles.
Angels love when they make time for manicures and pedicures.
They do not have long flowing hair that moves in perfect flow.

Angels look tired.
They can wear house gowns with stains on them.
Angels have roots and their hair seldom looks like it should.
They wear comfortable clothes and love to get dressed up to receive compliments, because sometimes they feel forgotten.

Angels can be bald.
They can also be over weight.
Angels find strength to keep nurturing, caring, moving, cleaning, and going.
They even come across grumpy because they don't dare think about just giving up or in to the negative thoughts. They have them, but they don't give in to them.

Angels laugh when they can, and sleep when they can too.
They try to understand you and forgive you even when you break their heart.
Angels never stop believing in you even if they ask you a lot of questions.
They smile when they don't feel like it and they cry when they least expect it.

Angels fly off the handle but rarely do they fly alone.
They glow when they see you happy and safe.
Angels, they really do exist.
They are all around, just look over your shoulder.

Thanksgiving In July

Recently it has been popular to challenge your Facebook friends to a 'Thankful Assignment', which includes listing 3 things you are thankful for each day, for a week. I decided to post mine as a blog now that I have completed the challenge.

Day 1: 
July 28th 

1. I'm thankful that I'm not the same woman I was last July...I'm thankful for her too but her chapters are complete. 

2. I'm thankful I think more with my heart than my head...it makes for a more interesting life story. 


3. I'm thankful for my family & friends who chose to walk away from me when I was diagnosed...it makes for a lot less drama and room for more authentic people.

        Day 2: 
July 29th 

        1. I am thankful for the feeling of rain on my face. 


 2. I am thankful for chubby babies & dogs...If loving you is wrong then yadda, yadda, yadda. 


 3. I'm thankful my butt is already big and should I ever become famous I will not be accused of having implants. 





        Day 3: 
July 30th 

        1. I am SO thankful I can't relate to people when I hear them say they need to act their age. Ewwww...


 2. I'm thankful for Dean Martin's 'Volare.' It's a favorite pick me up.

 
3. I'm thankful that I'm that woman who sings and dances in her kitchen while cooking. 









        Day 4: July 31st 

       
1. I'm thankful for my eyelashes and eyebrows. 


       2. I'm thankful for my God Momma/Aunt Linda who still calls me Lil Lisa.   God bless her. 


       3. I'm thankful for Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night. 

























 Day 5: 
August 1st 

1. I am thankful that every day (Mon-Fri) that I have written these thankful posts it has been from the waiting room (right before I go in) for my radiation treatment. It has calmed me and kept me focused on what really matters. 

2. I'm thankful for the people in my life...I love how their paths lead me to my better path. 


3. I'm thankful for my story...it's a funny one. 

Random Thoughts From A White Girl

Yes, you read the title correctly, and I'm portraying the white girl this time.  As insane as some of these thoughts appear they have actually crossed my mind. I will leave it up to you to imagine my expressions that go along with them. Although I tried to recruit the random thoughts from some of my female friends none of them were quite willing to let go of their private thoughts. I completely get that, so I'm taking one for the team for your entertainment and laughter. 

1. I wonder if there is enough change in my car for a Starbucks run.

2. Do other women consider prostitution for their food addiction?

3. Hmmm I bet this cashier has no idea why I am really buying all these batteries.

4. Why do white girls get such a bad rap for being freaky in the sheets?

5. That guy is hot! Wait...a...minute...that is a woman! Wait...a...minute...does that make me a lesbian?!? 

6. Did God forget about me?

7. I hate this...forgetting how to walk down the stairs in the middle of walking down the stairs.

8. I wonder what it's like to be her.  Never mind she has some jacked up feet. 

9. Am I ever going to have sex again? And if so will I remember how? Oh, God, what if I forget what to do? And what if I finally get to have sex again, but I'll be too old and my knees creak during it. That's it! I have to go work out!

10.  Do they know their baby is ugly? Of course not, because all babies are beautiful. Right? 

They're Only Words

Words. 

Words can make or break us.

 I have spent my summer so far studying a lot about the subconscious mind, the conscious mind, and how to help, heal, and guide not only myself but also others younger than me. 

The biggest lesson so far:

Watch what you say to yourself and about yourself. 

For example, saying every day, "Oh I'm so tired. I just don't know how I can do anything after work." 

STOP IT! 

If you feel tired, that is understandable, but instead of reminding yourself over and over, tell yourself, "I'm energized. I can accomplish _________ tonight." If you keep saying this to yourself it is going to be amazing how your energy turns around. 

I am speaking from experience. 

You see, once in awhile I still wake up in excruciating pain from my nerves and muscles healing. It is still the kind of pain that can make me cry and scream. I lay there, and for me I get spiritual, and I start thanking God for my strong, healthy, pain free body.

Every day, in pain or not, I go through my day thanking God for my pain free and disease free body. When people ask, "Are you in pain?” now I just shake my head yes, because I am literally refusing to say the words out loud. 

I realized that was such a great habit for myself, and patted myself on the back, BUT THEN... I caught myself saying, "Oh me and my chemo brain forgot or got confused." 

Uhhhhhhh. NO MAM!

Why in the world, would anyone want to keep reminding him or herself of enduring chemo? Instead, when I forget something, I'm going to return to saying, "Oh that's me, being a blond again." 

And hey, you never know, my hair may actually grow in blond.

Too much?

Blog homework:

Try this with your words.

Keep a journal. 

In fact, keep a thankful journal, and do like I do, write in it in the morning before you leave the house. Take your oral and written words and create the kind of day you want. 

If it doesn't work for you then the only thing you wasted your time on was being grateful, and what is so bad about that? 

That Can't Be Me

I saw a picture of myself the other day.

I saw a cancer survivor.

I saw fear.

I saw exhaustion.

I saw sadness.

I saw wrinkles.

I did not like what I was seeing.

I didn't see anything in this picture that I see in the mirror.

I've been telling young females, for months now, to love themselves just as they are while trying to love myself just a little in order to survive.

They say "What you see in the young you are reaching out to yourself."

They say "As you give out to others it will be given unto you."

Maybe I've been trying to lift my young females up, because I've needed lifting.

I told a complete stranger recently, "I don't, nor did I ever, have cancer, but I was diagnosed with it." She looked shocked and bewildered. I wanted to tell her not to own it, but I can not tell her what to do with it just like no one can tell me, even those closest to me, what to do with the diagnosis, my healing or fight against it. 

What we own are our selves. 

What we own are our bodies. 

What we own is our self-esteem.

What we own are our flaws. 

Flaws and all...but when you are loved by the little ones...we're all beautiful.  

14 Years

They made me laugh.

They laughed at me.

They laughed with me.

They made me love.

They loved me.

They made me mad.

They were mad at me.

They cried in front of me.

They cried for me.
They cried with me.

They hugged me.
They let me hug them.

They pushed me.
They knew I was going to push back.

They fed me.
They asked me to feed them.

They gave me gifts.
They allowed me to pull out their talents and gifts.

They fixed my hair.
They answered my questions about their hair.

They failed.
They watched me fall.

They succeeded.
They inspired me to survive.

They educated me.

But I'm Tired

I know this situation right here right now is not permanent, but I'm tired.



I know the family that should love and support me broke my heart, & I forgive them, but I'm tired.



I know the pain I endure day and night will someday go away & I will feel like my old self again or even better, but I'm tired.



I know all my money problems will someday soon be just a memory and exist no more, but I'm tired.



I know my 'friends' who have turned away from me and have made me feel alone will someday see how they have hurt me, but I'm tired.



I know my poor pup is fighting off fleas and they will be gone soon, but I'm tired.



I know soon my prince will come, but I'm tired.



I know someday my coworkers will stop telling me I look tired, and that means it is Summer!

10 Reasons Why My Mommie Dearest Is The Best

You know your mother has a twisted sense of humor when she has let you refer to her as "Mommie Dearest".  (In case you are wondering look up the Joan Crawford reference.) And although my mother is nor was anything like Joan Crawford, she let me refer to her as such as long as I can remember, so now you know where half of my twisted sense of humor comes from.

10 Reasons Why My Mommie Dearest Is The Best:

10.) Growing up she constantly told me, "Treat people the way you want them to treat you", then she backed it up with her actions.

 9.) She took me to my first gay bar at the age of 17, so we could watch and support my Uncle Dan in his billiard league.

 8.) The day she kicked my dad out was the day the N-word was considered a curse word, and I was never allowed to say it or use it. It was a "hate word that we will not use."

 7.) She loved and fed every friend I brought home and became "Momma Luke" to many.

 6.) Family was never defined or limited to just blood, if she loved you were family no matter what.

 5.) She didn't beat me like I deserved when I was a teenager.

 4.) Her sleep patterns, while I was in high school, helped me have a great social/party life.

 3.) Her belief in me and my dreams gave me the strength to believe in many other generations.

 2.) She is the perfect combination of Maude, Martha Stewart, and Donna Reed.

 1.) She's simply beautiful, inside and out.

Happy Mother's Day, Mommie Dearest!

Where I learned how to be affectionate 

Always my protector

Where I got my height from...PS thank you.

Where I learned 'goofy faces'

Always my cheerleader

Getting A Little Religious On This One

As I was awakening from excruciating pain around 4 am, I didn't complain I just kept thanking God. 

I learned this lesson years ago, to thank him in your darkest hours. It shows him how much we believe in our highest power and what he is capable of doing. At least that's what I call faith. 

I sat on the balcony and just rocked back and forth watching the moonshine on the water and watched the phytoplankton light up as it hit the shore. I listened...as it was just the water, God, and me.

Who am I to question his plans or complain as I watched the moon hold up in the sky, listened to the water that soothes me, and witness the tiny life that defends itself with such luminescent beauty?

God was all around me. 

How could I complain about anything?

Look at all the blessings I just mentioned.

I thanked him.

I cried from the pain, but I thanked him still. 

The pain in my arm and hand has not stopped, but I also know my blessings have not stopped either.

Happy Easter!

365 Days

Last year around this time I was getting a bit depressed and down, because I was about to turn 44 years old.

44!

Good grief!

How could I be that old and before I knew it I would be 45.

Now that number, 45, that age was really depressing to me. 

I would be 45 in a year and what had I accomplished?

Oh boring. Who wants to read something like that yet again?

Not me!

It's amazing how 365 days can change everything. Ironically, I thought turning 45 was the end of a good life. I was getting ready to start ordering the litter of cats I was meant to have running around my house. 

Who would have thought a silly little diagnosis would have made me appreciate and realize how young turning 45 really is?!?

Not me!

These last 365 days I have lost, gained, grown, taught, and learned a lot. 

I have lost loved ones both to heaven and to their own world.

I have gained loved ones I thought I would never get to hug or touch again.

I have taught others what they call "taking a risk” is simply living your own life.

I have learned that this life is ours to design, and if we don't like our life we are the engineers, architects, artists, musicians, and designers to create exactly what we desire.

Happy Birthday to me! I just loved turning 45!

All I Did Was Copy and Paste

Last week I assigned a poetry reading to my 8th grade Communication students. I gave them all the freedom they would need to enjoy and to choose their poem. I would only be grading them on eye contact, a tone of voice that should match the poem, and voice inflection. So basically, I was grading on emotional connection and getting it across to the audience. There were some funny ones, some very dark and depressing ones, and then there were poems like this one that I was not familiar with but hearing a young girl of 14 read it out loud and knowing her background touched me. She edited and cut it short for school appropriateness. I sat in the back of the classroom with my jaw dropped and a tear running down my cheek. I thought she was the bravest little girl to read this out loud until she told me at the end of class she picked this poem because it reminded her of me. I cannot put into words what I felt after that nor can I recall my response except for hugging her. I am sharing this poem with all little girls and big girls who need to know they too will rise.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise....

Maya Angelou

The Perks of Being a Bald Chick

There are a few perks to being a bald chick and here are the top 10:

10. Getting ready for work in the morning is a lot quicker than ever before.

 9.  Hair accessories still exist but in the form of hats, scarves, and beanies.

 8.  Putting on make up becomes even more of an art to enhance your feminine features.

 7.  Going without make up with your favorite flannel shirt on makes you look really tough in the wrong neighborhood and ironically vulnerable in the right neighborhood. 

 6.  The last time your hair grew in like this you were too young to remember, and now you get to watch it live, like a Chia pet.

 5.  It's not the only place you get to go bald...wink wink...waxing is not necessary for a while. 

 4.  You save a lot of money now that you're not spending it on highlights and haircuts.

 3.  Being bald makes you forget about other little flaws you were so hung up on regarding your body.

 2.  Wigs! Wigs! Wigs! 

 1.  People who know you will walk right past you, thus making it a perfect opportunity to spy on people. 

Spring Break... Break Down + Hot Bald Chick

Spring Break
Excited


Chiropractor
Healing
Life Coach
Dreams
Hopeful

Lent
Vegetarian
Nutritionist 
Now Vegan


Sleep
Interrupted
Pain
Tears
Sport Medicine
Fear
Mad


Massage 
Heaven

House Cleaning
Corgi
Hair

Family Time
Zoo
Dinner

Acupuncturist
Desperate
Relief

Depression
Frustration
Fear


Friends
Turbans
Laughter
Shopping
Whole Foods
Documentaries


Letting Go
Moving Forward

Online Courses
Excited

"If you're not dead, then you're hot."

Death Of A Friendship

I’m free. 

I’m free of playing games. 

I’m free of holding my breath waiting to see what pisses you off next. 

I’m free of you trying to control me because she controls you.

I’m free of emotional blackmail. 

I’m free of your simpleness.

I'm free of silliness.

I'm free from holding your secrets.

I'm free of lies. 

I’m free from playing games with you people. 

I am free from your words/actions hurting me.

I’m free.

10 Things Wrong & 10 Things Right With The Grammy's

10 Things Wrong With The Grammy's

 1.  Pharrell's hat… is he a part time Forest Ranger... I can't

 2.  Kendrick Lamar is still considered a new artist

 3.  LL Cool J's hat…year after year

 4.  Darth Vader's illegitimate sons showing up to sing with Pharrell

 5.  Everyone holding his or her breath when 'Blurred Lines' was up next for performance

 6.  Paul McCartney's Members Only looking jacket which was probably designed by his daughter & probably cost half of what my car did 

 7.  Watching Willie, Kris, and Merle was like watching molasses down a tree (PS I love Willie and Merle so this was hard to express but somebody had to do it)

 8.  Steven Tyler in public again without underwear...to the left to the left… literally

 9.  Yoko's fake boobs...so not a John Lennon vibe

10.  Okay, Pink it's time to return to performing on the ground, your audience's neck is over this phase

10 Things Right With The Grammy's 

 1.  My Queen Beyonce's opening performance

 2.  Chicago

 3.  Robin Thicke classing it up

 4.  Taylor Swift wearing a hair style her own age

 5.  Same Trailer Different Park

 6.  Julia Robert's boobs and dress...way to go mommy of 3

 7.  Okay, Pharrell's smile

 8.  Pink's awesome stomach muscles 

 9.  Target commercial with JT

10.  Queen Latifah with her beautiful self

Bonus: That straight white boy in a velour suit rapping about same sex love right before 30 couples get married in the audience with Madonna, The Queen Hag, singing to them... God Bless America!