Your 2013 Accomplishments...Congratulations!

Thank you to all of those who have read and supported my blog this year. Your comments, emails, and texts are so supportive.  To show my gratitude I wanted you to "star" in this entry, but I kept your contributions private. Thank you for sharing your personal triumphs & biggest accomplishments in 2013 with me.  Obviously, I know some very interesting people.
Here's wishing you a kinder and more joy filled 2014!

 1. Staying out of the nervous home
 2. Getting to teach and coach high school
 3. Not having baby #5 despite the new R. Kelly album...he got me twice already
 4. Getting off of my blood pressure medicine
 5. Discovering food sensitivities then losing two pant sizes
 6. Paying off my car
 7. Retiring after 29 years of teaching
 8. Passing my teaching certification test
 9. Completing my masters program
10. Having patience with dramatic people

Nervous?

 11.  Starting my own business
 12.  Not choking my little sister
 13.  Read a book
 14.  Biting my tongue
 15.  Being honest with myself and learning it's OK to not have every one's approval
 16.  Just loving and being OK with me
 17.  Accepting myself the way I am
 18.  Completing my certification and becoming a teacher
 19.  Finding comfort and success professionally
 20.  Getting to know the real me

Bite that tongue!

 21. Staying with my wife
 22. Leaving my wife
 23. Not getting pregnant
 24.  Getting pregnant
 25.  Saying 'NO' to on line dating
 26.  Dating a great guy from on line dating
 27.  Watching every episode of 'Breaking Bad' before the finale
 28.  Becoming a foster mom to a great pup
 29.  Completing 3 half marathons
 30.  Becoming independent and finding myself again

It happens. 

 31. Just being happy in general...too bad it took getting divorced to do that
 32. Keeping my first born alive so far
 33. Forgiving people
 34. Telling people off
 35. Quit smoking
 36. Quit smoking crack
 37. Letting my child get arrested instead of covering up for them
 38. Slept with my first white girl
 39. Realizing at the end of my life I only have to answer for my actions/reactions not other people's
 40. Admitting I was in love with someone after fighting it for too long

White girls that give the rest a bad rap...

 41. Enrolled in college
 42. Had the courage to go through knee replacement surgery
 43. Getting back on the track, running and not dying
 44. Supporting my daughter through her battle with cancer
 45. Not giving my roommate's dog away
 46. Getting one step closer to adopting our little guy
 47. Proposing to my partner and planning our wedding.
 48. Putting one foot in front of the other
 49. Getting an acceptance letter from the college of my dreams
 50. Graduating college without an STD

Congratulations!

Dear 2013

Dear 2013,

You were one strange and wild ride.  You and I began the very first day with strep throat and the second day we had a break up with an insane chef. By the end of the first week I was preparing for my stepmother's funeral. She is now in heaven. 

Your month of love led to a month of frustration as one of my best buds told me how he really felt about me.  (Insert Miguel singing Frustration)  Next, your month of green and spring break caused me to pause, sit still and think.  Yikes!   I continued to question my own decision-making with life in general but kept working on the adoption process until all paper work was lost by the adoption agency.  The month of green was starting to make me feel blue.

For my 44th birthday, I got the flu.  You also brought back the 'Big Bad Latino Wolf' who tried to hook up with me again. Luckily, my rose-colored glasses fell off and so did he... right off his pedestal. Thank God that trip is finally over!

In May, Shirley from 'What's Happening' was reincarnated.  One of the best girlfriends I've ever had gave birth to a beautiful little girl who happens to have Shirley's fro.  

Next, I was off to the Dominican Republic to play maid of honor for my friend who had once told her boyfriend he better propose so they could be my future child's God parents. After returning from the Dominican I went on an interview not because I wanted to leave but because I thought I needed to leave.  
Unfortunately, you had us say goodbye to one of the sweetest dogs to ever walk this earth.  Our English rose, Cali left us. She is now in heaven.

In June, Mommie Dearest was off to Paris with her bestie, and this inspired me to go after things I've always wanted.  I began exercising and eating healthy like a crazy lady to go after those things I wanted, but this would pay off in another way down the road. 
Flag day was celebrated with the birth of my Jazzy Monkey, my little brother's first-born child and my niece. 
I also got the best news ever, my boss resigned and moved on to another school. Woo Hoo! God kept me at this school for a reason...I just know it is for something bigger.

For our independence month together I visited my first Hookah Bar and loved it. Thanks to your hot summer temperatures I burned myself at the pool and found a lump during one of my self lotioning routines. The doctor told me last December it was scar tissue. No worries. 

However, I said goodbye to my Aunt Elizabeth. I can not watch Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and see home chair hair dryers without thinking of her.  She is now in heaven.

The hottest month of the year was met with my little brother graduating with his Master's degree. He is an amazing young man. In less than 5 years, he graduated from college with a bachelor's degree, married, buried his older brother, buried his mother, sold a house, bought a house, became a father, and now has his master's degree to become a principal. Can you tell I'm proud? 

We also celebrated Mommie Dearest's 65th birthday. I thank God every day that she is still alive and here with me. He has truly blessed me with that woman. 

Unfortunatley, we ended the month saying goodbye to our dear JW. I can not see the weather channel or coupons without thinking of him. It scares me to think he is really gone. I can't admit it to anyone, but I can't accept his death. He is now in heaven. 

Over this summer, I told God..."It is in your hands. You want me to be a mother. You take the lead. I'm pooped from trying." After all I was taking care of my physical health and being very serious about it for the first time in a long time. God would work his plan for me one way or another. I had faith!

Well wouldn't you know it, in September, I found out that God had another plan for me. I received an unexpected text about donor embryos for me to carry my own adopted child. What a miracle!  Now time to get a check up, and besides that stupid scar tissue has gotten bigger, and when I called the gyno for an appointment they said they could not see me until December 27th. Uhhhhh No! This has to be done now since the couple said I would be a good choice to adopt their embryos. I also need to shake this third visit from Strep Throat. It just won't go away, and it is making me so dang tired. 

October, October, October you came with some scary shit! I still can't shake this strep/breathing problem.  I wish tired was the word to describe me. It is more like exhausted, fatigued, weary, etc. As we all know these are the prices to pay to be a teacher.

I gained the role of God mommy which came in an ironic and uncomfortable event all in one day. 
There was a young (and appeared to be in good shape) teacher who worked with me.  She suffered from migraines too. She had a stroke during surgery. She is now in heaven.  

Halloween. Eeeek! You were one scary MoFo! The "scar tissue" turned into a mass in addition to an inflamed lymph node. As of today, I know in my gut my life has just changed forever.  I also know God hasn't left me. I know this in such a deep way it could never be put into words. However, I would never expect those that I loved so much to be the ones to leave me.

November you were a lifetime of lessons in one sweep. You and Robbie brought Tony Robbins into my world, where I discovered a lot about myself. What I am capable of believing and desiring. You also gave me a new title, Cancer patient.
 I refused to own it. 
I refused to say it was mine.
 I was determined to listen to God, my body, and only positive thoughts and prayers. 
November, you brought me an enlightenment that was touched and blessed by God. You brought someone home safely from Mexico. You brought him and my other familia, or at least a part of them to me again. You brought me true friends, and removed the less sincere ones. You gave me strength during the birthday month of one of the strongest women I know, my grandmother Inez. You gave me blessings and favor from God I didn't even know how to ask for. I'm thankful!

Oh, December. You can be a cold month. The coldest for some. For me it was a mixture of emotions, heartbreak, and forgiveness.
 I had the cancer removed completely from my body. 
I had the love of some amazing people shine on me. 
I also had my heart broken. 
I had family who refused to contact me during my recovery from surgery. They lived less than five miles away from me and would not even text me. I had friends who refused to even acknowledge me...healthy or not.
People who said they would "be there" I have not even seen. 
December, you have been painfully cold, but this too shall pass, and I will, I must, keep a positive attitude and say thanks for the timing of cancer's visit. There is never a good time to receive the diagnosis of cancer, but mine was Christmas time. 
Maybe the timing was to slow me down.
 Maybe it was the universe's way to show me who cares and who just can't. 
Either way I kicked cancer's ass, and I'm not through yet. 

So over all, 2013, you've been nice, you've been ugly, you've been joy filled, you've been heart breaking, you've been a blessing, BUT it is time for you to go!

Thanks for the memories,

Me

This entry is dedicated to those who made 2013 easier to survive.

God

Mommie Dearest

Aunt Linda

Robbie

Cam

Reiko

DelRose

Cortney

Joey, Karen, and JR

UT

Tiffanie

Toni Lynn

Mr. A

Coach M

Vanessa

and all of my amazing doctors

I Got A Plan, Stan!

My 5-year plan includes...

1.   Live in a cottage type home near or at the beach.

2.   Marry an amazing, open-minded, creative, and generous Latin guy.

3.   Honeymoon at Disney World

4.   Have a child before I'm 46.

5.   Be completely rid of cancer for life. *

Creative? Yes, but not exactly what I was thinking. 

6.   Drive a convertible bug.

7.   Publish book #2 and #3.

8.   Be a stay at home mom by the age of 48.

9.   Own land, farm or ranch that can be handed down to the next generation. 

10. Have a couple of dogs on that land with my husband and kids.

*I'm almost to this one, as today I found out I was cancer free. The surgery I had a week ago removed all my cancer! My next step is to find out if chemotherapy will even be necessary or if radiation is up next. 

That's more like it. 

Why Do People Run?

I have over said on many occasions, "The only way you'll see me run is if there is a knife yielding clown chasing me." I've never understood the method of running for fun, and yet I've always wanted to participate in a marathon. I feel by not doing so I'm missing out on some cool clique. The portion in 'Forrest Gump' where he just runs and runs and suddenly jogging is a fad fascinated me because I completely understood the mind set Forrest had...why?

Also, on many occasions,  I've begun the preparation part for marathon training, but I always get so involved in the special tennis shoe shopping, I end up forgetting what I was at Academy for in the first place. 

I do however walk. 

I love walking. 

Walking is such a relief. 

It is an outlet. 

Escaping the scene is a great feeling, ohhhhhh, so I guess I understand a little more now. 

People run all the time, and they run everywhere. 

We run to the store.

We run up the street for a minute.

We run when we see others running. (Common sense of course)

We run when they tell us they love us.

We run over to the neighbors real quick.

We run when we want to hit something.

We run when they want to hit us. 

We run when you tell us we're going to be a daddy.

We run when you tell us we still owe you money.

We run when we are scared.

We run to help. 

We run towards a sale.

We run when you are scared.

We run when someone we care about is sick. 

I can't run this time. Shoot. I can't even walk away.

I have to stay here and fight. 

Y'all have a nice trip now...you hear? 

Dear Love, Dear Friend, Dear Cancer

Dear Love,
I've waited a long time for you. You finally decided to make an appearance during a really busy time, but there will always be time for you. I just wanted you to know, that I love you just the way you are. I am also thankful you love me just the way I am.
I love you,
L.




Dear Friend,
I forgive you. You may not even want my forgiveness, but someday when you need it, you now have it.
I love you,
L.




Dear Cancer,
F*** O**!
I love me,
L.

100

After my last post, I said I would post 100 things I'm thankful for to make up for having a pity party, so here it goes.

1.    I'm thankful for God. Even when I'm on my knees crying uncontrollably, 
       he is the one who lifts me up and dusts me off. 
2.    I'm thankful for my mother. It still amazes me that this woman loves me
       and so many others unconditionally.
3.    I'm thankful for my family, each and every one of them.
4.    I'm thankful for only having cancer in one breast and one lymph node and
      no where else.
5.    I'm thankful for my amazing team of doctors, Dr. Goff, Dr. Holmes, 
       Dr.Lee, and Dr. St. Cyr.
6.    I'm thankful for my sense of humor. Having the life lessons I've had, my
       humor has formed from these lessons and help me get through the rest.
7.    I'm thankful my brother has someone who loves him just as he is, and is
       there for him always.
8.    I'm thankful for DVR. I am convinced this is a gift from technology gods.
9.    I'm thankful for people who are not afraid to follow their dreams and just
      go for it.
10.  I'm thankful for an amazing group of friends, who call me out when I've 
       gone too far and/or accept me just as I am. 



11.  I'm thankful for my sweet and patient corgi, Patina.
12.  I'm thankful I'm not in a marriage that doesn't allow me to be me.
13.  I'm thankful my addiction is food and not drugs.  It's a strange statement, 
      but if you have loved a drug addict you would understand this. 
14.  I'm thankful for my career.
15.  I'm thankful for body massages. They do the body and the mind good!
16.  I'm thankful for music, of every kind and every style.
17.  I'm thankful for every struggle I've endured up until this day. They have
      made me strong and capable of beating cancer. 
18.  I'm thankful for the day, coming soon, that I will add to my resume, "I am
      a cancer survivor."
19.  I'm thankful for the amazing people I work with and who have shown so
      much support.
20.  I'm thankful for a God Mother/Aunt who comforts me, laughs with me, and
      encourages me.



21.  I'm thankful for being fortunate enough to have a best friend since the age
      of 10.
22.  I'm thankful for my students. I have learned just as much from them as
      they have from me.
23.  I'm thankful for days at the beach when it was warm and I could smell the
      sea...not the fish, the sea.
24.  I'm thankful for sleeping in a hammock feeling the sea breeze on my skin.
25.  I'm thankful for the loving and generous people who have shared and 
      given so much to me.
26.  I'm thankful for cold nights while wearing flannel pajamas and drinking
      hot tea or cocoa.
27.  I'm thankful for having a safe place to call home.
28.  I'm thankful for knowing what it is to be in love.
29.  I'm thankful for knowing what it is like to feel alive after surviving being in
      love.
30.  I'm thankful for my own skin.



31.   I'm thankful for the color of dark purple.
32.   I'm thankful for all the travels I've had the privilege of experiencing.
33.   I'm thankful for reruns of 'I Love Lucy'.
34.   I'm thankful for swimming with manatees.
35.   I'm thankful for insurance.
36.   I'm thankful for red velvet cake.
37.   I'm thankful for fever blister medicine.
38.   I'm thankful for recipes left by my grandmothers and aunts.
39.   I'm thankful for my hair, eyebrows, and eye lashes.
40.   I'm thankful for being old enough and smart enough to pay attention to
       my body when it is telling me to do something. 
41.   I'm thankful I am 44 years old.
42.   I'm thankful for art museums. I believe there is a type of tranquility and
       learning that takes place, all at once, in an art museum that no other
       experience can give us. 
43.   I'm thankful for snow.
44.   I'm thankful for horses. They represent the perfect combination of
       strength and beauty like no other animal. 
45.   I'm thankful for my legs.
46.   I'm thankful for history books.
47.   I'm thankful for fires outside in the cold winter time.
48.   I'm thankful for Christmas lights.
49.   I'm thankful for Judy Garland, especially in 'Meet Me in St. Louis'.
50.   I'm thankful for palm trees.



51.   I'm thankful for drinking coconut milk straight from the coconut.
52.   I'm thankful for The Chocolate Bar.
53.   I'm thankful for my glasses.
54.   I'm thankful for days without a migraine headache.
55.   I'm thankful for not being a bully.
56.   I'm thankful for hugs.
57.   I'm thankful for kisses.
58.   I'm thankful for George Clooney.
59.   I'm thankful for roses that grow in Mrs. Gutierrez's front yard that are the 
       darkest red I've ever seen.
60.   I'm thankful for shows like 'Will & Grace' and 'Sex and the City'.



61.   I'm thankful for Uncle Terry and Uncle Dan who taught me, by accident
       I'm sure, that being and staying a kid at heart is the only way to live.
62.   I'm thankful I have no desire to smoke a cigarette and haven't for a long
       time.
63.   I'm thankful for a good tasting rum.
64.   I'm thankful for high heeled peep toe shoes.
65.   I'm thankful for pearls and dresses/feeling feminine. 
66.   I'm thankful for great big magnolia trees.
67.   I'm thankful for naps when I really need one.
68.   I'm thankful for my Tristan and the fact that he is alive and so healthy.
69.   I'm thankful for my memories and time with my friend, Natalie Carr.
70.   I'm thankful I had John Wallace as a father figure in my life.



71.  I'm thankful for days that I wear makeup and days I don't.
72.  I'm thankful for Elvis.
73.  I'm thankful for bubble baths.
74.  I'm thankful for acupuncturist.
75.  I'm thankful for garlic. The smell and the taste can change a room. 
76.  I'm thankful for carmel popcorn.
77.  I'm thankful for family traditions.
78.  I'm thankful for breathing. This is one I think we forget to appreciate 
      the most. 
79.  I'm thankful for my smile.
80.  I'm thankful I no longer I have to write on a chalk board.



81.  I'm thankful for my vision and hearing.
82.  I'm thankful I am having a lumpectomy rather than a mastectomy.
83.  I'm thankful I have always had a special relationship with my Uncle Bubba.
84.  I'm thankful for swimming and floating.
85.  I'm thankful for blueberries.
86.  I'm thankful for my freckles. 
87.  I'm thankful for my mother's turkey burgers.
88.  I'm thankful for my curves. If only I could travel back in time to tell the 
      younger me don't try to hide them. 
89.  I'm thankful for my feet.
90.  I'm thankful for my religion/my beliefs. An open mind is a must in life.



91.  I'm thankful for movies, old and new.
92.  I'm thankful for babies who laugh and who make me laugh.
93.  I'm thankful for Walt Disney, his imagination, perseverance, and dreams.
94.  I'm thankful for the salads from Bucca di Beppo.
95.  I'm thankful for science museums.
96.  I'm thankful for walks on the beach. This is one of my favorite times to talk
      to God. 
97.  I'm thankful for soft, comfortable, over sized sweaters.
98.  I'm thankful for being able to read and write.
99.  I'm thankful for courage and mistakes. In my opinion, they can't exist 
      without the other. 


100.  I'm thankful for blogging.

2013 BC

I want to go back to a time where cancer wasn't my every thought.  You know, 2013 BC...before cancer. The days where, I could "cheat" on a diet and it was just my arteries I would have to worry about. Now, I have to stop and think, "Uh oh, cancer likes sugar so I shouldn't eat that." or "Nope, can't even pretend to want just one margarita- cancer wants that sugar and alcohol so it can grow more." 

Forget about trying to date after the diagnosis and before or during treatment. When the guy ask you what you do for fun, what do you say, "Oh well I research about breast cancer when I'm not completely exhausted and want to sleep all day." 

You don't want to attend family functions with the people who know, because they will be staring at you and studying you to see if they could tell you were sick. 

And I definitely want to return to 2013 BC, when I thought friends were friends, and did not know who were cling-ons that would talk to you only when they needed a motivational speech or something else from you. 

2013 BC was a time I lived in and I thought someone respected me until you hear him or her say directly to you, "people get what they deserve" and your world crumbles. 

Let us not leave out the experts on everything cancer. Good grief. Shut up already! "Oh be glad you still have (fill in the blank), because that cancer will take it away from you." Who knew in 2013 BC there were so many experts living among me? 

Oh am I having a pity party? 

Yep. 

It's my breast and I'll cry if I want to. 

Now I know there are 100 things I could be thankful for and I will probably post that in a minute, but I have to get these thoughts out so they do not continue to consume me. You see some day maybe some other woman diagnosed with breast cancer will need to see these words and not feel so alone. Or they will be like I do with most literature on breast cancer and roll their eyes and walk away. 

This is my favorite time of year, and yet I'm afraid to listen to Christmas music. What if I'm having a cancer moment and that song on the radio is suddenly attached to a cancer moment forever. 

(Side note: a cancer moment, in my book, is when the thought of cancer consumes your mind and heart and you feel helpless for just a moment and you lose all other forms of identity of yourself. You are no longer a teacher, a daughter, a sister or an aunt, but you are the woman with cancer and you're left in tears. For me these tears turn in to fury because I hate the idea of losing my other identities to this bitch called cancer. I already hate pink and those ribbons. Ugh. F*** those pink ribbons!)

Life is too long to be angry. That's right it is too long. It's a must to get these words out of me, because I don't, I won't feed the bitch.  I'm grumpy. I'm sleepy. I'm tired. I'm human, so I'm not always going to be the one to be positive, but I am also the girl that existed before the diagnosis, therefore I will be myself again real soon. Who knows? Maybe even by tomorrow. 

I will certainly be the girl who looks forward to writing a post entitled,   2013 AD...after diagnosis. 

It's Code for The C Word

10 Gifts "The Bitch" Gives You (at least in the early weeks):

1.)  For the first time in your life you don't worry about being over weight.

2.)  When you are with two of your friends and someone says, "Did you know that 1 out of 3 people   have 'The Bitch'  - Your friends standing with you breathe a sigh of relief. 

3.)  No matter how many bad hair days you have had, you suddenly love your hair. 

4.)  Putting on mascara is an art you now enjoy. 

5.)  You suddenly become a comic.

An amazing inspiration...Kris Carr

6.)  You suddenly believe in miracles.

7.)  It makes you realize how much time you have wasted on Facebook.

8.)  Stupid things (people included) don't make you mad they make you laugh.

9.)  People show you their true colors.

10.) You fall in love with life. 

Rated F: Foul language, Faith, and Fighting

Cancer is not a gift. 

I give you permission to slap anyone who says that to you. 

However, I actually thanked God for cancer and chemotherapy, if I have to go through it, then yes I actually thanked him. 

I did not thank God because I opened it like it was a brand new pair of Jimmy Choo boots, but my words were meant to convey, "Thank you, God, for the experience cancer is about to bring me." 

I am fully aware that my trek with the bitch, my new name for cancer, is just beginning and it may not be easy, but I’m determined to fight it with all that is inside of me.  And before I can fight with my heart and my gut, I have to be quiet and say thanks for the experiences and blessings that will come from this fight.

I understand this is confusing for some people to understand and it was really hard to say, but every time I have thanked God for my past challenges, it wasn't because I was excited to endure a bunch of BS, it was because I knew in my heart that at the end of this experience I would come out as a better human, with a tale to tell, and a survival story that would show others what blessings look like. 

Blessings are oddly wrapped in moments that you can't believe you hear yourself saying. 

Today, I actually said out loud without thinking, "Oh thank you, God, for just having breast cancer."

Blessings are timed events that you thought would never happen or could never happen. 

Last night, I got to spend hours at my dining room table getting to know someone all over again, and it was someone that I thought I would never see or never get to tell them how much they mean to me. 

Blessings are gifts in the moment that you can't imagine laughing and yet you find that laughter is all that you can do. 

Today, in the doctor's office the nurse had to knock louder and longer to get our attention because we, my on-site support team, were laughing so loudly in what could have been seen as a dark hour.

Blessings come from the least likely direction, corners of the universe, and from the least likeliest people. 

In the last few weeks, I have had the most amazing yet simplest moments with people that have shown unending support, love, and true grit for being by my side, including complete strangers. 

I might not have had these blessings if it had not been for the discovery of cancer. 

Or maybe, just maybe I would not have appreciated these moments if it hadn't been for the ground cancer shook for me. 

God is good!

God is great!

Whether your God is a man, a woman, a planet, etc. I believe he, she, or it lives deep inside of you, guides you, and protects you, and sometimes we ignore it because we call it “just our gut instinct.” 

Trust that instinct.

It is more than just a feeling.

It is the power within you telling you what to do.

Follow it. 

Respect it. 

Thank your God for it. 

Amen!

Are You Awake Yet?

I believe there are moments and events in our lives that scare us so much that we literally get stopped in our tracks and stop living. That is called fear. It is those same moments and events that can shake us so that we are suddenly awaken. That is called faith. That is also called living. No, you do not need a longhaired dude that looks like he is a hippy out of Berkley from the 1960's nor do you need a vision of a cute bald big belly dude to have faith.

Faith is what you personally believe in so much that it; he, she, etc. carry you to your highest moments. They can either shake you or tap you on the shoulder, but if you believe in them deeply enough they will guide you. They will protect you.  They will be your best friends that you talk to through out the day. They will give you peace, forgiveness, and love like no other. They may even help define you.

I always thought of myself as an open-minded person. Now, I am open. I am awake. I have wasted many moments and days on waiting for joy. I am now under the influence of joy. I am no longer waiting for joy to come to me, but I am looking for how I should bring joy...how to share joy.  It is my job now to see that not everything is diseased, happening to me, or about me. It is my job to look inward and see how amazing every moment has been, is being, and will be. 

Like Mark Nepo says, "To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken. I was broken and I certainly needed all those that weren't broken to help me."

For a brief moment life can be scary, but just like coming up the hill that follows that first drop on a roller coast, you catch your breath, you feel the wind on your face, you smile, and you get ready for that next drop, and you smile again.  Just make sure you are awake, so you don't miss the ride. 

Don't have something if you don't plan on keeping it

I've been diagnosed with Stage IIa breast cancer, but I don't have it!
I have faith.

I've been diagnosed.
I have love all around me.

I've been diagnosed.
I have friends and family.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a sense of humor.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a home, car, and a closet full of clothes and shoes.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a career.

I've been diagnosed.
I have a great life today, tomorrow, and for a long time to come.

Bubble Gum Pink or Mauve

Why booby pink?

Why is the breast cancer awareness color pink?

Is it for the mental connection to the average white woman's breast color?

Is is because pink is a symbol for femininity?

Is it because that is the color of our noses after we've been crying when we first find that lump?

Is it because that is the color of our cheeks after we have been wearing nothing but a thin gown in a 68-degree room?

Is it because we are supposed to be cheered up by the color after a dreadful experience, at least for some?

Is it because it is the same color of the walls in solitary confinement in prisons to calm down the prisoners, and it should have the same effect on us in the doctor's office?

Why not purple?

For Your Approval...Oh Wait...That Can't Be The Title

Recently, I have decided that I don't need the approval of others. For those who have known me for longer than a minute, you can stop laughing now. I know you are all thinking to yourself, "When have you ever waited for any one's approval?"  Please understand that just because I've always wanted some one's approval doesn't mean it has stopped me from living my life, because it hasn't. It has made me a different kind of woman though.  In reality, I have always wanted the approval of certain family members and a few friends.

The desire for their approval, however has "trained" me from childhood to adulthood that I should try extra hard to be ready to please others when they call on me. It has molded my heart to forgive extra easily and not confront those uncomfortable conversations (i.e. pretend there are no problems between us) or the fact that they won't speak to me for weeks, months, or years at a time, at least until it is beneficial for them.

...And then it dawned on me during this month of Breast Cancer awareness, that what if I really did get sick and die from cancer like the stories you sometimes hear?
What if I went missing like one of those women on Nancy Grace? (Fortunately, it pays to be a thick girl, we are harder to knock out and carry away.)
What would these people say or do if I were to really disappear?
How would they answer the media's questions?
What would they say at my memorial service once my ashes were poured out of a helicopter over Disney World? (Yes, you read that right.)

I'll tell you what they shouldn't say.

They shouldn't say they would miss me.
They have been acting like I've been missing for weeks and months already.

They shouldn't say they took care of me during my months of illness.
They have treated my like I have had leprosy for weeks and months already.

They shouldn't say they loved me and will never forget me.
They have been acting like they had amnesia for weeks and months already.

So why then do I stress over people and tippy toe, stop laughing, over how I can please them?
How can I get them to realize my feelings hurt like theirs, or how can I earn their love?

Oh wait.

They are my family.
I don't have to earn it.

They are my friends.
I've earned it.

So in honor of the month that battles cancer, I am going to get rid of another kind of disease/cancer.

It is called, "Your Approval".

It is spiritually and mentally deadly!
It consumes happiness.
It causes stress which causes weight gain and sleepless nights.
It causes headaches.
It causes heartache.
It causes guilt, and we all know guilt causes false relationships.

Looks like a clean bill of health for this girl!

*I am dedicating this blog to my grandmother, Inez, and my Uncle Dan who both lost their battle to different forms of cancer and cancer related diseases. They were strong through their cancer battles, and I'm pretty sure they never suffered from "Your Approval."

I Have All I Need

1. I have too much meat on my bones.
    It shakes, rattles, and rolls.



2.  I don't have too much meat in the bank.
     It just rattles.



3.  I have too much love in my heart.
     It pours out too fast.



4.  I have too much faith.
     It makes me sound crazy.

     I have too little faith.
     It's lack makes me sound crazy.



5.  I have very little family left.
     It makes me question time.



6.  I have a handful of good friends.
     It's their support that keeps me strong.



7.  I have too much empathy.
     It makes me vulnerable.


8.  I have too much compassion.
     It makes me appear foolish.



9.  I have too much testosterone.
     It makes me have thin hair.



10. I have too much energy.
      It makes me look busy.



11. I have too many opinions.
      It gets me in trouble.



12. I have too many creaks in my bones.
      It makes it hard to shake, rattle, and roll.



In the end I have all I need:

1.  Food to get fat on
2.  Bank account to hold money in (Once in awhile)
3.  Memories of being loved and loving
4.  God who takes me when I come and go
5.  Family ties
6.  Friendships
7.  Experience that resulted in new understandings
8.  Experience that resulted in new lessons
9.  A sex drive
10. Caffeine
11. A mind of my own
12. A body that still moves

 

What Do I Know?

When they don't say love is why they are staying married but you are waiting to hear that is the reason, and as a single female in her 40's I have to wonder...

When they say, "I'm staying married because of my kids."
When they say, "I'm staying married because of my promise to God."

If God is love, and love is what makes the world go round and love is what you show your kids, then shouldn't love be in the home that you raise those kids in until they are ready to go out into the world that goes around?

Shouldn't you stay married because you love someone?
Shouldn't you love someone you are married to and therefore you are honoring God?

If you are still in love with the person you have kids with, shouldn't anything you want to do for your kids come out of that as you will show them what respect and love actually are?

But....what do I know?

We Stereotype Only The Finest & Brightest

Labor Day weekend came with a few labor pains alright. Actually, Sunday was a wonderful dinner at my brother and sister in laws house. My brother cooked all day to make a great traditional spaghetti dinner with meatballs, Italian sausage, boiled eggs, and all made from scratch. 

Seventeen of us sat around talking about books, recipes, childhood memories from the older generation, and oohed and aahhed over my 3-month-old niece. And then that dreaded question came towards me like a punch in the face, "Why don't you have one of these?"

Instead of hiding, I answered very bluntly, "I can't." Then the next question, "Why not?" "Well because that's how God made me." My cousin, lets call her Veronica, adds to the conversation and says I should have called her because she knows how Vitamin E works. Keep in mind, she has never been married or had a child, but she is well read. I continued to tell those sitting around about my past two years in a minute or less paraphrase. My sweet, 89 pound and 88-year-old Aunt, tells me "Well if a baby pees on you then you'll get pregnant."

Oh is that all I'm missing? I have tried everything else, why not this.

 My Aunt then continues by telling me I should get a midget to donate his sperm because, "Those midgets and little people are so durn cute. It's like they never grow up." 

Uhhhhh. No, I think I’ll pass. No offense to the little people.

Then, not to be out done by her mother, my cousin, Veronica who is in her early 50's, suggest that I adopt a baby from India because "our family could use a good cardiologist someday or a Chinese baby they are so durn smart too." Then my aunt volleyed back with, "Oh what if you adopted a Chinese midget. Now that would be a smart and adorable child." 

That's right folks, you have read this correctly. Nothing gets past my family. They know ethnic groups so well they can pick out their own cardiologist. 

Happy Labor Day! 

Two Mothers Two Daughters

We are all born with gifts. All of us. Some gifts are not what you would consider favorable ones. I have been gifted with infertility. That was a difficult statement to make but when you reach a level of acceptance you have to take the next step and claim it. You see without this gift I may not have ever known or appreciated the amazing relationship between a mother and daughter.

This past Saturday I was able to see this type of relationship at it's finest. As my aunt lay in her home close to passing away I was able to stand in her bedroom next to my mother and hold her hand. On the other side my mother held my aunt's hand and my cousin held hers. It was a moment that lasted for quite awhile.  It was just the four of us in that room and no one was speaking. It was so peaceful.

It was a powerful circle of brave, forgiving, and strong women. This circle of two mothers and two daughters held an empowering feeling of love, happiness and sadness. I was so very blessed to be part of that circle. My aunt was the fourth woman in our family in the past five years to leave this earth. I was able to utilize another special gift God had granted me and that was having a special day of goodbyes with each of them. Some people may not consider this a blessing or gift but not everyone has been made strong to have these goodbyes. However, I come from a long line of strong women who taught me how to be stronger with each hello and with each goodbye.

Dedicated to my Aunt Elizabeth.